Never has a place made my lil’ gay eyes twinkle like Hội An, Vietnam

Shake it Up Tonight by Cheryl Lynn x Do You Love What You Feel by Rufus and Chaka Khan x The Second Time Around by Shalamar

I’m writing this to you as I sit on a train in the middle of the Colorado wilds. And lemme tell you, nature has me feeling all sentimental and shit. And ready to FINALLY write about another place I was able to visit in Vietnam back in February (only what….4 months late?) As I mentioned in my last post, this year has been a fucking roller coaster. And somehow it’s only half done???! Some quick updates: mama has been doing well, we went wig shopping the other day (and she picked out a showstopper- I am so excited to see the hairs when they get delivered!!) and is set to start her 4th round of chemo next week. PLEASE SEND HER ALL OF YOUR LOVE. Love is a currency always accepted (I mean, like money or food is usually accepted as well buuuuuuut love works perfectly!) I’m heading back home for a few weeks to like, catch my breath and try and catch up on life shit, then I’m gonna be heading back to Reno to finish out the summer before the fall semester. Hence the train ride. You may be asking “Matt, why the train? Doesn’t it take 15,000 years when a plane could do it in 5 hours?” And you’d be right! The train does in fact take 15,000 years. But that is exactly the point. We’re travelling through some of the most spectacular landscapes on the planet at a wonderful, leisurely, anemically slow pace. Its giving me some time to reflect, and decompress, and make sure my head is screwed on right (well, as right as my head has ever been on right). And I can’t tell you how I’ve needed that. It’s giving me time to read (currently I’m reading a smutty time travelling Viking romance novel called ‘Rough and Ready’ and biiiitch lemme tell you it’s like I fell and had a major concussion while on Nyquil and Viagra and she is everything I need right now). It’s giving me time to do absolutely fucking nothing. It’s giving me the mental bandwidth to catch up on this blog! Which has been extremely lacking in content as of late. And that’s ok! But I finally feel ready and inspired again to make some posts here. So strap in, because biiiiitch I have been confined to a house for weeks and I’m ready to let the crazy FLOWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwWWWwwWwWwYh$$ *shakes tits uncontrollably*

So you’re probably like omg FINALLY we get to hear about Hội An, the final chapter of Matt’s Vietnam tomfoolery. And we’ll get there! But first I wanna share this unhinged story about this one time when I was in drag and ran into this guy I knew from work at the bar. So this guy worked IT at one of my past jobs (shall remain unnamed heehee don’t sue me plz!!) and I had seen him once or twice but didn’t know he was one of the *whispers* gayyyyys. So anyways I’m in face and I see him and he comes up to me and is like omg do you work at redacted and I’m like ok first of all how DARE you clock me like that I know my makeup is good and this lighting is dark and you’re drunk and oh god am I having an existential crisis? But once I got over that immeasurable pain I was like yes I do work at redacted!! You’ve helped my dumbass multiple times with computer problems! What’s up sisterino? So he then makes one major mistake: he offers me some blow. Now let me preface this by saying I don’t do this shit anymore cause *looks around* I don’t trust any of the shit y’all bitches have nowadays and also I’m old and my joints and liver and brain and eyeballs and nose holes literally couldn’t handle it. But Matt at this point in time???? He was a menace. So anyways I’m like um yes duhhhh let’s go! So we go into the bathroom and do some. Through this, I learn that this guy kinda has a crush on me (he tells me this as I’m literally doing a keybump in a bathroom stall next to a malfunctioning urinal and I’m like omg is this love?). So I’m like omg thaaaaaaanks ✨🌈😉) Anyways, 5 minutes later we’re back out in the club and one of my drag sisters (who I knew also partook) came over and I was like omg IT coworker friend daddy, would you mind if my friend and I stole a lil bumpie in the bathroom? I flicked my massive drug store lashes, pursed my overdrawn lips, and his heart melted. Once he handed it over, it was game over. We then proceeded to do the entire amount of blow (in our defense it wasn’t a lot but still hehehehe oops!) and then sneakily left the club through the back exit. Fast forward: I’m back at work, and this guy comes to help with some IT issues. We briefly make eye contact and he quickly looks away. Now look: I don’t know whether to apologize, giggle, or turn and run as fast as I can. So because my brain is broken I do option D: just sit there, smile and wave like a baboon. I never talked to him again. Anyways….it kinda makes sense why I’m still single right??? So anyways this story has nothing to do with Hội An, but I’m sleep deprived and feeling a lil feisty and spicy and mentally unwell so here you are!

Ok onto Hội An!!!!

Hội An is ancient. It’s been around for centuries, perhaps millennia?? Situated at a strategic position on the Thu Bồn River where it meets Vịnh Cửa Bay, the city sits within a protected harbor roughly halfway up the Vietnamese coast facing the South China Sea. Surrounding the city are extremely productive fishing and agricultural lands. So like of course the city flourished, duh! Throughout history it’s acted as a major maritime hub and one of the most cosmopolitan cities in Vietnam, with merchants from China, Japan, India, Arabia and Portugal all leaving their mark on the city. This can be seen in the old city’s architecture which features strong influences from Japan (like the incredible Japanese Covered Bridge in the middle of town) and China (including places like the Cantonese Assembly Hall). Due to its seafaring heritage, the city is most well known for its lanterns. To help navigate the area’s complex and sometimes treacherous waterways, fishing boats and merchant vessels would use lanterns. This then carried over to the city itself, where lanterns in every color, shape, size and fabric are now used for decoration and utility. Hội An’s old town is now a multicolored cornucopia of hanging artwork, illuminating the night in a soft kaleidoscope of shapes and colors. It’s dazzling, magical, and honestly emotional. To capture a bit of this essence, I took a time lapse video while riding on the back of a golf cart through town at night (warning- if you get vertigo or anything like that I don’t recommend watching this).

Hội An was by far my favorite city in Vietnam, simply because of how it made me feel. Nothing captured this grandeur of emotions more than Hội An Memory Land. Part theme park, part historical museum, part performance art center, Hội An Memory Land is a sprawling complex on an island in the middle of the Thu Bồn River which features massive lit structures (like the giant glowing fishing boat art piece shown in the photo gallery at the end of the post). The standout moment of Memory Land (by far) was the interpretive theatrical performance animating the history of the city. From it’s ancient roots as a fishing village, to the momentous 1306 wedding of Princess Huyền Trân (of the Viet people) and King Jaya Sinhavarman III (of the Champa people), to its role as the aforementioned cosmopolitan trading port, and finally highlighting the city’s position as a major textile center, specializing in fabricating the iconic Vietnamese ao dai. A small clip of this performance is below (a part of the final number, where the main narrator shows of theeeee most extra ao dai ever made. Like get into that fabric yardage you just know that shit cost a fortune and a half to make.) The production level was bonkers.net. Like there were massive choreographed numbers, huge set pieces, pyrotechnics, images projected onto mist, synchronized water shows, timed lighting built into walkways- the list could go on. What I’m getting at is that like many other things in Vietnam, this show is XXXTRA in the absolute best way possible. I was squealing like the entire time. I might still be squealing? I think this show made it a permanent state of being for me.

My favorite part of Hội An? Night time by the river. When the sun sets and the lanterns light up, it’s a feeling of absolute and utter magic. Glowing lanterns strung between shops reflected in the glistening Thu Bồn River are joined by floating orbs of light as small boats glide across the water adorned with lanterns of their own. It felt like being in a freakin’ fairy tale, lemme tell ya.

Beyond the city, the Hội An area boasts some truly incredible archaeological sites. I was able to visit Mỹ Sơn, a series of ancient Hindu temples built between the 4th and the 13th centuries. Abandoned several centuries ago, folks stumbled across portions of the site in the 1800’s and were like holy shit dafuq? And then did what archaeologists do best and swept away a bunch of dirt with little brushes and chisels to uncover some truly amazing shit!! The main site (Temple complex B) features several restored temple structures made of a gorgeous maroon stone featuring bas-relief sculptures of Hindu deities. The complex was constructed by the Champa peoples (Champa mention count: 2) who are the indigenous peoples of Southern Vietnam, with roots in neighboring Cambodia, and who practice Hinduism instead of Buddhism (as is the case with the Viet people). The Champa (count: 3) are frequently depicted in artwork and architecture by the symbol of an elephant, underscoring that animal’s importance to the Champa (count: 4) and the fact that elephants were more commonplace in this area of Southeast Asia in the past. Seeing things this old always really helps me readjust my perspective and reminds me that at the end of the day, none of this shit matters! Like, all of it matters (because it makes up our realities and lives) but in other time scales, none of it matters. Some people might find that depressing, but I find it immensely peaceful. The world will always keep moving on. Nothing is permanent. And Vietnam is a masterclass in moving forward.

I hope one day I’m able to return to this magical place. To stroll the streets at night with an egg coffee as lanterns glide across the river and packs of annoying bitches take endless selfies (newsflash- they’re all ugly. Try a ring light next time ya ogre). To eat some bomb ass food with my friends. To enjoy another day on this beautiful planet we share. Hopefully I will get to share those memories with you all again here. Oh!! And next time I want to share another unhinged story. Do you want to hear about the time I chipped my tooth in Spain during a blackout and a random guy from Oklahoma ended up with my wallet? Or how about the time I learned by high school drama teacher thought I was hot while on a date with a different guy? Sound off in the comments below (like this post for Spain story, comment for high school teacher story). Either way- you win!!!