Tag: travel

British Columbia (Part 1)- aka the only British thing that isn’t complete 🗑️RUBBISH 🗑️
West Coast (The GRADES Icon Mix) by Lana del Rey -x- Get Together by Madonna -x- 4th of July (Fireworks) by Kelis

Yeah- you heard me. Britain is TRASH. RUBBISH. REFUSE. Name another culture whose only “culture” revolves solely around things stolen from others (ok I know, American culture constitutes this as well, but we’re not talking about us now ARE WE). Think about it- the only palatable food in Britain is food imported from cultures of places Britain colonized. Otherwise what is there- blood sausage? VOM 🤢🤮 English Breakfast? Oh you mean the one with beans and black pudding? Yeah, I’ll pass on that. Jellied eels? Suddenly starving to death suddenly sounds pretty amazing! Spotted dick? Never thought I would find a kind of dick I wouldn’t like, yet here we are. Congratulations, Great Britain. You made me hate dick. I hope you’re PROUD OF YOURSELF.

Oh, and its not just the food. Can we talk about the monarchy?? Like my god, you know things are rough when Prince Harry is considered to be attractive. I’m sorry, but it all just screams Hapsburg chin to me (if you don’t know what I mean by that, please read this v insightful Wikipedia article. And then donate to Wikipedia. I don’t want her to be another casualty of AI 😔) If you’re too lazy to read the article (and I don’t blame you) what I’m trying to say is INBREEDING. Like why on God’s green earth would people still find the “royal family” interesting, aspirational, or exciting? We know they’re trash, it’s only been well documented for *checks notes* 800+ years. Like when I tell you I didn’t shed a single tear when the queen croaked….

How about the museums? Notice how they’re full of looted things from other places?? And like, ONLY full of things looted from elsewhere? What homegrown British things are museum worthy? What- a ChArLeS dIcKeNs book? ShAkEsPeArE? jAcK tHe RiPpEr?? Thanks, I’d rather throw my 5 pound note into a vat of acid than pay that museum entrance fee.

I just need someone, anyone to explain to me what makes Great Britain so Great? Can we rename it Mid-Britain? How about East Ireland or South Scotland? Cause let’s be real- those are the two doing the heavy lifting here. We could even do Dwyrain Cymru (which is ‘East Wales’ in the Welsh language). Anything would be preferable. Great Britain peaked at Stonehenge, and since then it’s really just been a slow, sad decline. And this is coming from the AMERICAN (I know damn well what a fucking flaming trash heap the US is- but at least we are entertaining in our downfall). If you’re British and you feel some type of way, get your ass across the pond and come fight me. Or file a complaint here. Before I continue I would like to state that I in no way harbor any actual resentments against the British people. I only rant in jest for entertainment value. For the record: I do find the British monarchy and gastronomy repulsive on a spiritual level- but please do not sue me. I don’t have much.

*Clears throat* now that I’ve addressed the elephant in the room glares at Great Britain I’d like to move on to the actual STAR of the show- British Columbia.

What an absolute wonderland British Columbia is. While I only had the pleasure of visiting a small corner of the vast province (it is a mind boggling 364,764 square miles in area- about 4 times the size of Great Britain- how’s THAT for Great?) there was so much climatic, geologic, and biological diversity in that small slice that it felt like I traversed much farther distances. From the lush coastal rainforests of Vancouver Island, to the majestic snow capped peaks of the Canadian Cascades east of Vancouver to the semiarid buttes and mesas of Kamloops- British Columbia truly has it all.

Forming the backbone of Canada’s 3rd largest metropolitan region and primary Pacific port (Vancouver) is the Fraser River. Outside of the central city, the river valley supports lush farmland and booming exurban bedroom communities. Further east, the valley narrows as the dramatic walls of the Cascades close in gradually, coming to a point at the small town of Hope. Hope is SO CUTE. Besides the adorable name (like teehee HOPE) it is just such a cute little mountain community situated at the confluence of the Fraser and Coquihalla Rivers. The mountains truly dominate the landscape, and make Hope feel like it’s comfortably nestled in the mountains’ bosom (or- to harken back to a former post- it’s big honkers). Like a little babyyyyyy. I just wanna pinch Hope’s cheeks. Outside of town, nature truly reigns supreme. The Coquihalla Canyon snakes eastward with one of British Columbia’s main road routes clinging to its steep slopes providing a vital link to the interior. Coquihalla Canyon is Gorgalina St. James Montezuma Dupree. Heading east, you quickly hit the Great Bear Snow Shed, a covered portion of the roadway designed to keep the region’s THICC ASS winter snowpack off a portion of the road that’s hard to normally plow (it also provides much needed avalanche protection). Shortly thereafter, one summits the highest point on this portion of the road at Coquihalla Summit -where one can see some extremely scenic mountain peaks scraped smooth by glacial activity. The patterns that this glacial scraping left on the rocks is mesmerizing, so much so that I had to be reckless AF and pull off on the side of the freeway to take pictures hehehehehe (yes I was that dumbfuck American that did that whoops!)

Shortly after this point, the landscape changes drastically and says toodles to the temperate rainforest which painted the western slopes. On the eastern side- sagebrush is KING. After passing several small towns and rural areas, one arrives into perhaps the best-named city of all time- KAMLOOPS. Isn’t it fun to say? kam-LOOPS. KAM-loops. KaMlOoPs. However you decide to say it, it’s a good ass time. My favorite memory of visiting Kamloops was meeting Steve and Cathy (although she prefers Cat). They were a lovely older couple in matching trucker hats and segway scooters who pulled up next to me as I admired the river. Steve proceeded to tell me all about the history of the Coquihalla canyon, while Cat called him out on his bullshit whenever he wasn’t factually correct (I see you Cat you absolute queen. Cat you dropped this 👑). Just as soon as they appeared, they sped off into the night: two twin segway flames dancing across the pavement.

Exploring the deep alpine canyons and lushly forested ridges of the Cascades around Hope was a truly joyous experience. The Skagit River Canyon was like, the quintessential west coast mountain canyon eyegasm- featuring a rushing, glacially cold river rolling rapidly over large boulders and dislodged tree trunks (you can tell this river is highly variable- she is a Sagittarius I’m calling it now). Rising steeply in the background are the twin snowcapped Silver and Isolillock Peaks, watching over you like two big beautiful bitches. Multiple waterfalls grace the sheer cliffs of this region – the most dramatic being Bridal Veil Falls outside of Chilliwack. When I tell you this waterfall made me FEEL THINGS. I legitimately just stood there and watched the infinite rivulets of water diving dipping and ducking down the cliff face in hypnotic patterns for like, 15 minutes. Not speaking. Not taking pictures (although plenty were taken before and after, trust). Just watching. And listening. And thinking of not a single goddamn thing. Water is really a magical substance. Like, it’s simultaneously the most basic building block of most liquids and life itself, but also somehow the most miraculous, magical and mind-bending thing on the planet. Just….how? (And before some smartass in the comments says “well when two hydrogens and an oxygen love each other very much…” I ALREADY KNOW. I ALREADY WATCHED THAT PORN).

Heading west, we approach the big, bad, British Columbian bitch herself- Vancouver. With it’s metro occupying the majority of the broad delta of the Fraser River, Vancouver itself occupies a narrow isthmus between English Bay (a small bay on the Pacific) and the Burrard Inlet (a deep inlet/fjord thing that extends east about 20 miles to the city of Coquitlam). Beyond that, the metro area sprawls out with several distinct skylines. Canada is cool in that it has different zoning regulations than the US allowing for dense, tall pockets of skyline in suburban town centers. The center of several Vancouver suburban communities (Surrey, Coquitlam, Brentwood, Burquitlam, and Richmond to name a few) have skylines rivalling larger American city central business districts. It’s great because a lot of transit lines service these town centres (shoutout Vancouver SkyTrain) and they contain large commercial, residential, and civic districts. And the amount of parkland? We staaaaaaaan. Downtown Vancouver itself is pretty cool! It has some real architectural gems- especially the Marine Building (a true art deco standout- like the whole nautical themed entrance to this building is fucking nutzo), the Dominion Building (the bright red and orange coloring is so noteworthy and the partially-domed roof is really cool) and the Sun Tower (no notes- just real cool.) The central branch of the Vancouver Library is garganchhh (short for gargantuan) and was modelled after the Roman Coliseum (kind of weird inspiration for a library but….I guess it’s because you’re brutally fighting illiteracy to the death??) I think the best part of downtown Vancouver is the backdrop of steep, jagged, snowy peaks. It’s a stark backdrop to the urban tapestry of high rises, parks and city infrastructure. 10/10 would recommend no notes like literally so perfect. Perhaps too perfect. *Side eyes suspiciously*

Now finally- the urban hikez. Wowzerz.org when I tell you Vancouver has some of the most gorgeous urban natural areas this side of the Mississippi I’m only somewhat lying (because, let’s be real, it also has some of the most gorgeous natural areas on the other side of the Mississippi too). You have Lynn Canyon, Capilano Canyon, Cypress Falls, Stanley Park, and so many others. The northern rim of urban development abuts a steep shelf of mountains with several streams cascading down, creating multiple opportunities to see stunning canyons and lush ecosystems right in the middle of town. It’s really a blessing. Vancouver- you have no idea how good you have it. NO *holds up spoon threateningly* IDEA (why did I choose a spoon for my threatening action? Only Jesus knows). This shelf of mountains stretches westward, before terminating at the aptly named Horseshoe Bay- where one can catch multiple ferries to Vancouver Island (which, confusingly, does not contain any of the city of Vancouver. I swear sometimes these bitches just WANT TO confuse us. Don’t ask me who ‘bitches’ is in this scenario- I don’t know. I never know.) And here, my friends, is where I shall end this post. Catch me next time for VANCOUVER ISLAND- including:
- A huge brawl involving about 10 hermit crabs, in which they jumped one of the crabs Bad Girls Club style
- A deer which feasted on human flesh and started speaking in tongues
- The dramatic return of Steve and Cathy (sorry-Cat)
  - (Don’t get mad at me if one of these is an outright lie- you’ll have to read and see which it is hehehehe OR MAYBE ITS MULTIPLE.)
Now: Enjoy some photos!

Mainland British Columbia, Canada- May 2025
June 4, 2025

architecture, british columbia, canada, cascades, comedy, kamloops, mountains, nature, pacific northwest, photography, rainforest, travel, vancouver, waterfalls
If you don’t fuck with Seattle in the spring, then I 👁️ don’t 🚫🙅fuck 🍆💦with 🤔U🫵🫵🫵
Dive (Acoustic) by Olivia Dean x Dive by Olivia Dean x Dive by Victoria Monét

When something is coming to its end, and you know it’s about to end, it’s so much sweeter, right? Like your last first day of school. Or the final chapter of your favorite book. Or even the last time you know you’re gonna hook up with your high school drama teacher (shit just me? Well, ok. Thanks for making it awkward). Knowing that something is fleeting means that savoring it in the moment is not only preferred, but necessary. It forces us out of the paralysis of procrastination. It makes us question the old faithful self response of “Well, I’ll be able to do that another time”. Like let’s be real- no you won’t, bitch. And really, who’s to blame? Seemingly every second we’re alive we’re burdened with more responsibilities, distractions and tethers. Credit score. Phone bill. Caloric intake. Social media. Destruction of the last shreds of democracy. Ya know, the small things. But- when you KNOW that things are coming to an end, it snaps you out of that. Our lizard brains are reminded that hey, who gives AF if your credit score is in the single digits and no man within a 5 area code radius wants to date you because of it. Because that’s not important! What’s important is going for walks, listening to your neighborhood’s birdsong, and saying yes to those Wednesday afternoon tequila shots with a Double Scorpio™️poppers chaser at Pony (for anyone who doesn’t know, THIS is Pony). Life is short, and (unfortunately very commonly) cruel and random. Balancing paying the rent on time with nuking your liver into oblivion is important. Some might say it’s even the essence of life itself.

I say all of this to paint the picture of how I’m approaching my final spring in Seattle. While I may not be snorting lines off of gogo boys in the Kroger parking lot (yet 😈) it’s more of a metaphorical 8-ball. For so many years, I feel like my life has been dominated by routine. Wake up, try and shake off the last dregs of sleep, head into work, disassociate for 8 hours, head home, watch Youtube videos until its a suitable hour for sleep, sleep. Writing it out like that it sounds abundantly clear that it might just be chronic depression (luckily she’s an SSRI and therapy girlie now so that is no longer the case hehe) but I think it also highlights an integral part of human nature. As Joni Mitchell/Vanessa Carlton said in the iconic bop Big Yellow Taxi- You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. Well, I refuse to pave paradise any longer. This spring is the spring of JOY. Smelling every single sweet pea blossom I walk by. Stopping and giggling at the goofy ass murder of crows in my neighborhood (like the way they strut around is just SO CUTE like cmon). Laying outside and reading as much as possible, and hopefully meeting every neighborhood dog in the process. Making time for friends (old and new)- something which I admittedly sacrificed for too long in the name of alone time (and as a disclaimer- I am NOT saying that alone time isn’t important. It most definitely is. It truthfully keeps me sane. But, sometimes in retrospect it becomes clear that some of that was just straight up isolation and not self care. It’s hard to know where that line is. Growth I guess?) And luckily, I just so happen to have 2 more months in this stunning little temperately rainforested bubble. Here are some of my favorite memories of Spring 2025 thus far:
- Seattle has a bunch of cute, quirky, informal sidewalk and pocket gardens throughout the city; one of which is right across the street from the bus stop I wait at daily for my commute. Seemingly every week, new gizmos, gadgets, and gardenias spontaneously appear. This week it might be a hand painted bench with bumblebees flying over a checkerboard background. Next week- an alarm clock with stickers of frogs and butterflies gracing its face. Two months from now: a wrought iron gazebo with trailing roses and delphinium welcoming anyone to take a seat inside and escape from the world. One day as I head to the bus stop, I ran into the architect of it all: Understand. Understand is an icon. Having lived in the neighborhood for several decades, she knows everything there is to know about Capitol Hill. Beyond that, Understand has the MOST interesting life story arc ever. Being both Choctaw and Jewish, Understand grew up in Oklahoma in the Choctaw Nation before moving west. She lived as part of a hippie commune and (luckily) left with her kids before it went full cult. She lived in Harlem (NYC) where she spent time with Donald Faison (yes- the one from Scrubs. I can attest to this as she showed me pics of them together in her apartment. What a LIFE). Moving to Seattle in the 80’s, Understand became a fixture of the Capitol Hill/Minor Park/Squire Park area and has been maintaining this community garden in the same plot of land for decades. She has seen crazy tenants, asshole landlords, obnoxious city bureaucrats come and go. And through it all, she has maintained (and continues to improve) her neighborhood garden. If you ever see her in the neighborhood, please tell her that Matthew (that’s right, she knows the full 2-syllable name 😉) says hi. Below is a cute pic of us when we gardened together for Earth Day!
- My friend Steph and I decided to walk around the UW campus one day when it was especially beautiful to take in the full splendor of the cherry blossoms. For anyone who isn’t aware, UW has one of the best known and most extravagant explosion of cherry blossoms this side of the Mississippi (and second best on the other side- fuck you Washington D.C. Or, the other Washington as I like to call it. It doesn’t matter that it was founded well before Washington State, it’s still a hater and a poser. Come fight me. JK I’m a soft boy I don’t fight teehee). Anyways- as we are walking around taking in the beautiful scenery, we come across the most angelic little baby honey bunny love of our life rabbit just vibing and eating DOWN on some good vinca (reference picture 8 in the gallery below). Steph and I, both with cameras in hand, fully stop in the middle of the walkway and proceed to have like a 10 minute photoshoot of this rabbit. It was unafraid, and knew its angles to a T. Miss bunny ate that photoshoot UP. We legitimately held up foot traffic on the pathway as people stopped to see the rabbit in all its glory. It was just so adorable, and wholesome, and ridiculous that it still brings the biggest smile to my face thinking about it. Thanks for that moment, Steph 🙂
- So I mentioned this in another post a little while ago, but I ran into one of my neighbors as she was getting rid of some books. I noticed, in her hands, two perfectly good AGATHA CHRISTIE ™️novels. Like, THEE GAY ICON. Move over Cher. Move over Dolly. Move over Oscar Wilde. Cause Agatha is HERE. Getting engrossed in the absolute camp of Murder on the Orient Express while laying in the sun surrounded by fallen cherry blossoms was honestly like, one of my peak Seattle memories (right up there with the tequila shots and poppers). Her plots are so engrossing, layered, and fucking stupid. Like, SO stupid. It’s honestly pure camp and it fills me with giddy joy that I can’t explain. Ugh, I love being gay.
- I went to 350 Seattle’s Climate Community Night and got to meet so many inspiring individuals here who commit themselves to making their communities (and the world) a better place. I talk about them in the Sunday Slice ™️a lot so if you haven’t already checked that out, please do. You can see the whole grocery deli packaged selection of slices here. It’s monthly, and I’d love to go with any of y’all if you’re in the area and so inclined. Oh also did I mention there’s FREE FOOD?? I am a simple, single celled protozoa that is motivated (sometimes only) by food, so trust and believe I will be there.
- I got to experience the magic of @miniaturewerewolf (their handle on Instagram) a local artist who makes the most detailed and incredible lil mini dioramas. I got to experience “Heroes Work Here” which is a tribute to the amazing US Postal Service and the fantastic humans who have kept this country’s communication systems running for centuries. Also who doesn’t love octopi??? They are so stinkin’ cute! And kinda threatening? Idk its a fun mix. Anyways, check out the post (and deep dive their account for other really cool projects they’re working on!) here.
- The ferns unfurled! I know this happens every spring, but watching these beauties slowly unwrap their new leaves is a mesmerizing spectacle. Each frond is so delicately curled, creating beautiful geometry that inspires me to take a photo every time I see one (check out the gallery below if you don’t believe me for some reason). I’m just constantly amazed and awed at the beauty of the world around us. Specifically plants. And rocks. And fungi. And animals. And water. And air. And fire. I guess anything besides people, cause people kinda suck!
Anyways- I hope this post brought you some joy. Or blinding, white hot rage (either is an acceptable reaction in my book). Or arousal!! Being aroused is pretty cool, but also kinda weird if this post did it? I mean, I guess ferns are pretty sexy but like…..are they THAT sexy? Maybe if you popped some molly they would be. OMG imagine what a fern would feel like on molly?? Probably incredible. OMG or MOSS on molly? Now THAT would be the move.

………..

Ok now I promise that I’m done forrealziez ™️

I hope you enjoy these photos!!!

Seattle – May 2025
May 22, 2025

architecture, fern, flowers, nature, pacific-northwest, rainforest, rhododendron, seattle, spring, travel, washington
Everyone named Tyler is a messy bitch- and other learnings from Olympia, Greece.

Rêverie by Debussy & One Summer’s Day by Joe Hisaishi

Growing up, my mom cultivated the most beautiful backyard garden. Come springtime, the long cold and harsh desert air warmed up just enough to finally allow some brave shoots to emerge from their cozy soil-covered winter home. By the time May came around, the backyard would be an explosion of the most vibrant blooms imaginable. Powerful bursts of cobalt flax, radiant saffron California poppies, indigo stalks of salvia and lavender, snow white blankets of candytuft. The scent of lilac clung to light afternoon breezes. For some reason, I’ve been finding myself dreaming a lot recently about this childhood wonderland. It felt like a truly safe space to me. I’m not sure what deeper meaning there may be to my recent dreamland visits (am I feeling unsafe in the current political shitshow? Am I missing my parents? Am I longing for simpler times?) What I can say is that Olympia, Greece in the springtime captures this powerful essence. It’s a potent mixture of nostalgia, peace, a wonder of nature’s beauty and a tinge of mournfulness that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s the realization that nothing, no matter how beautiful, truly lasts forever? Regardless, I had to set that scene for you so you can understand how impactful the beauty of Olympia was for me. Now, what we all came for: the TRASH.

Imagine: you’re an 18 year old Gen Z fuckboy named Tyler. You went to high school in a suburb of Dallas- maybe Plano? (Idk- Plano gives me waspy, suburban, LuluLemon-caramel iced macchiato with 3 and a half Splenda packets-climate change isn’t real energy). Your body is sustained solely off of Monster Energy™️, Tostinos Pizza Rolls and vaping. You work in a Gamestop warehouse part time, live at home, and go out riding with the boys on the weekends (no homo). As a graduation gift, your grandma LuAnn (her backstory coming shortly) decides to give you an amazing gift. The gift of a lifetime, she says. LuAnn is just so proud of you for graduating high school! (even if it involved paying off multiple teachers).

Before I move on, here’s Luann’s story: born on a ranch 3 hours outside of Odessa, Texas in 1945, LuAnn never had anything handed to her. She knew how to milk cows before grade school. She knew how to ride a horse before she could walk. She could lasso a wildebeest before knowing her ABC’s. Ya know, typical Texas shit. LuAnn was THEE belle of the ball of her high school graduating class of 5, and before you knew it she found a great job working as a secretary at Exxon (don’t @ me ok, I only said she’s a secretary bc the 60s were fucking sexist as shit). She also found herself a man. Meet Rick, an Exxon exec and high roller. Rick drives a Cadillac. Rick smokes cigars. Inside. In the middle of the day. Rick likes bourbon, and ribeye, and segregated schools. Rick goes to church every Sunday (sometimes drunk but we don’t talk about that teeheehee). Rick and LuAnn hit it off and before you know it, LuAnn has a bun in the oven. They move into a BeAuTiFuL house on the outskirts of Dallas in a nice gated community (you know, to keep the “riff raff” out. And by that I mean anyone without a hedge fund, a credit score of 845, or a skin color darker than George Bush Senior.) Their daughter Lisa (I literally googled the most popular girls’ baby name of 1967 and Lisa came up- it feels correct) was just the sweetest little slice of apple pie you ever did meet, and she did great in school! A chip off the old block. Flash forward to 2025: Rick is dead (boating accident on a yacht in the Gulf of Mexico oh how tragique), LuAnn is a golden girl who loves her a nice top with a sensible shoulder pad (and I mean ‘top’ as a blouse, not a man, you pigs) and a big fat ol’ net worth. She also has grandchildren, who she adores!! Sure, they will always be stuck at age 8 in her mind and sure, they may have stolen some of her jewelry to pawn for weed and SURE, mayyyybe they totaled her car after she said they couldn’t drive it, but they will always be her babies. One of these is the aforementioned Tyler. Now that the scene has been adequately set, let’s continue.

We hop on a bus to go visit this incredible UNESCO world heritage site (the ruins of Olympia, not Plano Texas) and immediately see Tyler laying horizontally across several seats with a plastic bag by his head, glazed over eyes, and a shirt that says ‘Running on Ravioli’. LuAnn, sitting in the row behind him, is NOT amused. As the tour staff checks in with Tyler’s barely animated corpse to make sure he won’t projectile vomit onto the seats, I briefly lock eyes with LuAnn. I see anguish. Embarrassment. And white hot fury. And hell hath no fury like an angry geriatric Texan. It’s the kind of fury cloaked behind a ‘bless your heart’. That shit is lethal. As Tyler mumbles assurances that he is “just a little hungover”, the bus takes off. It’s at this time that a third necessary character is introduced.

Meet Bud. Bud lives in South Florida. And no, I don’t mean Miami. I mean the Everglades. As in, the GLADE glades. Bud lives off of a dirt road you access by turning right 2 stop signs past the old oak tree. Bud owns a fan boat and regularly goes deep into the swamp to drink beers. By himself. Bud has witnessed, in person, a giant Burmese python and equally giant alligator fighting (at least that’s what he told me. Bud could also be a liar). Bud wears a single gold hoop earring, and a necklace with a shark tooth. For some reason, I am deeply, deeply attracted to Bud. Am I Lana del Rey?

Now that we’ve met Bud let’s return back to our scene on the bus: as Tyler barely holds on to life, hungover to the point of being comatose, Bud chuckles to himself. As the bus makes turns on the windy road, Tyler’s head rolls weightlessly from side to side. LuAnn looks on, unamused. After what I can only imagine was a hellish 45 minutes for Tyler- we arrive. The site of Ancient Olympia is absolutely breathtaking. Situated amongst rolling forested hills, the ruins of several monumental structures are peppered with large trees, winding pathways, and verdant fields of springtime blossoms. Brilliant pops of scarlet and electric violet contrasted by crumbling stone and marble columns make one feel that type of way I described in the first paragraph. That feeling of wistfulness and nostalgia. Of deep serenity. I wish I could bottle that feeling up and take a whiff whenever I get a news alert from NPR about some new asinine executive order being released. Now imagine at the absolute deepest point of your meditative moment you’re startled awake by the unmistakable sound of retching. You hear it nearby. TYLER. You look around and see LuAnn completely disassociating from reality. Tyler, in his ‘Running on Ravioli’ shirt, has puked off of a bridge. The main bridge. That everyone is on. Right by the entrance.

To my right- Bud chuckles again, “That guy must’ve had one helluva night”. I can only nod in agreement. And yet to myself I wonder ”do you think Bud knows how badly I want him right now?”

For the rest of the day Tyler collapses in on himself like a dying star and curls into a compact ball in the back of the bus. LuAnn stays with him (presumably to make sure he’s ok and do any damage control) as her friends at the country club would just LOOOVE to hear about how her grandson was incarcerated in Greece for puking on a UNESCO World Heritage Site. As she furiously dials her friend who works in the US Embassy to avoid an absolute PR nightmare, Tyler vapes.

In summary, Olympia is an incredible piece of history preserved. It includes the remains of one of the 7 Wonders of the Ancient World (The Temple of Zeus), a large arena which was the site of the original Olympic games (attended by folks from alllll around the Mediterranean) and several other culturally significant monuments. The Peloponnese in springtime is indescribably magnificent with it’s prismatic carpet of flora. If you’re named Tyler you will always be known as a messy bitch (and…..do we kinda stan??) LuAnn will always regret her decision to bring along Tyler to Greece (and not that guy she’s been eye balling at the Fort Worth country club sipping Arnold Palmers for the last two months. He does have a wedding ring, but those can always be slipped off, right? 😈) Bud is a beautiful specimen of swamp meat. MY swamp meat. And lastly- maybe I’ll dream tonight of that garden. That most special garden of poppies and lavender.

Ολυμπία, Ελλάδα (Olympia, Greece)- March 2025

May 6, 2025

archaeology, architecture, europe, greece, history, mediterranean, nature, olympia, peloponnese, spring, travel, tyler
Venice, Italy- the HBIC (Hella Beautiful Italian City) of the Adriatic
I’m trying something new with this post. I’ve been thinking about Myspace a lot lately and remember how hard it went to have your fave songs playing on your page?? Well- I wanted to try and recreate that with a little mix for each travel post. My goal is to create a fully sensory stimulating experience (any thoughts on how to do smell?) for each post; to try and capture the emotions I felt being in each location. So please, hit play on the audio player below, and let the voices of Amy and Chaka seduce and entice you while reading my brainrot stream of consciousness.

Venice is eternal. She is opulence. She is arrogance. She is THEE grande dame. She has big dick energy, and will let you know. She is a Leo, hands down. Maybe with a Capricorn moon and Pisces rising, you feel me? I only say Pisces rising because it’s a water sign (get it-rising water? Cause it’s being flooded more and more every year and slowly being consumed by the lagoon to be lost forever? Which will be an incomprehensible loss of culture and history and architecture? So funny lolz!) In a way Venice reminds me of the Titanic- a monument to excessive wealth clad in greed and ostentatious grandeur- and facing imminent demise. It’s beauty is inexorably tied to its decay. It’s a duality that scratches a part of my brain in a really satisfying way that I can’t describe. It’s like a gold rush era mining boom ghost town, or New Orleans, or a long forgotten monumental temple in the jungle.

I cannot stress to you the absolute visual sensory OVERLOAD of this place. The architecture is jam packed with so much ornamentation that I felt like I could spend weeks absorbing the views on any given street. Whether it’s the domed golden marble explosion that is Saint Mark’s Basilica, the precariously tilted look-at-it-the-wrong-way-and-it-will-fall campanile of Murano, or the multi-tiered, thicc ass, busy ass Ponte Rialto- Venice is an absolute 👏visual 👀 orgasm 💦🐓🍆🎷 . I took, I kid you not, 900 photos of Venice over the course of 2 days. We walked over 13 miles one day. 13 MILES! That’s more than I’ve walked my entire life. While the main islands of Venice are quite small themselves (the historic core is only about 6 square kilometers) it’s incredible density and tangled knot of alleys, bridges, canals and plazas make it seem much more sprawling. I am someone who prides myself on my navigational abilities and bitch let me tell you, she got me good a few times. Some of Venice’s alleys are claustrophobic, narrow, winding canyons between medieval midrises while others (especially those called rioterras- so called because they were once canals that were paved over by the French) are broader avenues, oftentimes graced with small plazas, parks and statues (many of these are called campos– or Italian for fields). Almost every campo contains a small stone cistern- Venice once depended on this dense network of underground water storage structures to keep it’s taps flowing. Now with modern water systems they sit, unused, as relics of a different time.

Speaking of water- Venice has a lot of it. Like, a LOT a lot. As someone from the desert, water makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like being in the middle of the ocean. I don’t like the thought of being in deep water. I really don’t like the idea of living in a house suspended over water. What I will say is that for a city built entirely over water, Venice’s foundation is extremely strong. In the middle ages when Venice was initially being constructed, huge pine trees were felled in the Alps and driven deep into the mud of the lagoon as piles. So many of these were driven in, packed in so densely, that an actual foundation was able to be built on top of it. Over time, the unique characteristics of the Venetian lagoon (namely low oxygen levels in the water) prevented the logs from rotting. On the contrary- it led to them petrifying. You heard me- Venice is built on a mothafucking fossilized forest. Isn’t that just BONKERS.ORG??? Like that is some Narnia, Lord of the Rings type Elvish bullshit that I really can’t wrap my head around. Idk, my mind still doesn’t understand how magnets work (I’m still convinced they’re alien magic) so maybe I’m actually just an idiot but this fact truly blows my mind. And let’s be real- it always will.

Being a completely water based city presents some pretty major city planning challenges (like really every aspect tbh) But transportation? Not one of em! Venice has probably the coolest public transit network on the globe: ✨water buses✨. It brings all of the glamour of a Greyhound to the high seas (but that’s just me being a snarky bitch they’re actually really cool). Called vaporettos, Venice’s water buses dock at a network of floating bus stops complete with turnstiles, card readers, transit network maps, and even vending machines! *swoons* The system is super easy to use, fun to ride, and so. fuckin’. scenic. Like where else in the world can you take bus that’s really a boat underneath an ornate medieval bridge?? (Hint- the answer is nowhere). Not even at the world-renowned Venetian Resort and Casino in Las Vegas Nevada can one take a vaporetto. You’re just trapped with a fake gondolier who probably moved to Vegas to be a model/actor and who now sings ‘That’s Amore’ for 8 hours straight before going home and making OnlyFans videos where they stomp on Safeway cupcakes with their bare feet that they haven’t washed in 2 weeks just to afford the disgustingly inflated Vegas rent for a 700 square foot studio with fake wood flooring, popcorn ceilings and a white refrigerator on *gasps in shock* Tropicana Avenue. Yes. Tropicana Avenue. (Disclaimer- I have no idea if Tropicana Avenue is bad, I kind of just assume everything in Vegas is trash. Maybe it’s the bias in me as a born and raised Northern Nevadan. But like….how funny is that because Reno is also trash? OMG speaking of how trashy Reno is, this podcast I listen to talks about funny Google reviews, and in one episode they covered a notorious Reno strip club called Fantasy Girls and loooord let me tell you those reviews are something else. Feel free to read and enjoy here.)

Besides it’s amazing feats of architecture and engineering, Venice is known for its craftwork. Generations upon generations of Venetians have perfected various artforms to a degree that baffles my mind. For example: we toured a glass blowing studio on the island of Murano where a man literally made an extremely detailed glass horse figurine which perfectly balanced on its back legs in front of us in under 5 minutes. I don’t understand how he did it- I think (like magnets) it was some kind of alien magic. But in reality, it’s generations upon generations of inherited knowledge. And yeaaaaars of practice. And the ability to make a living as an artisan (the tourism industry brings so much money to the city that there’s a whole lucrative artisan economy based on it). And alien magic, of course. In addition to glassblowing there is Venetian lacemaking, which is so insanely detailed and tedious that it can take multiple women working several hundreds of hours to complete a 3 foot by 3 foot piece of lace. It hurts my spleen thinking about it. Oh! And there’s also the cobblers, and leatherworkers, and bakers, and mask makers, and jewellers, and so. much. more. It’s truly a city of talented ass people. And I don’t mean like Los Angeles (a city of “talented” people who also have famous parents and a face full of botox in junior high). Oh did I piss you off LA? Well how about this: the Lakers suck.

There is definitely a downside to the insane number of tourists. Much of the old city is now more of a museum than a city, with a permanent population of only about 30,000 residents. The majority of locals can’t afford to live in the core now- instead priced out to live on the mainland while commuting in. Recently the city banned cruise ships from docking at their old port in the old city, instead docking several miles away in Fusina (the ships not only severely disrupted traffic for all other boats, but created large waves that eroded building foundations, displaced lagoon sediment needed to prevent further erosion, and the pollution? terrible). Oh and don’t forget that in 2019 a cruise ship crashed into a dock in the city, injuring several people. When we visited in March (definitely NOT the busy season) many parts of the city were still so crowded that it was tricky to navigate. I understand why Venice implemented a tourist tax. It’s really a tricky situation, because obviously I understand why everyone wants to visit (hello did you read the first 5 paragraphs??) but how do you maintain the things about a special place that make it special while also allowing people to admire the special things about that place and that help bring in money to help the special place maintain its special things? *shrugs*

In summary:
- Venice is really cool
- Like, really really cool
- The architecture and street layout is a Medieval maximalist chaotic mess and I love every second of it
- Venice is full of really talented people
- Vaporettos slap so hard
- Venice is full of campos and cisterns and other cool shit
- A lot of people like Venice. Too many, probably. Myself included (I am the problem 😢)
- VENICE IS A MAGICAL ELVEN VILLAGE BUILT ON FOSSILS
I hope you are transported to this fantastical place via the photos and music below (yes I’m putting a second audio player below so you don’t have to scroll back up to the top- my love language is indeed acts of service). Ciao!

Venice, Italy- March 2025
May 2, 2025

adriatic, architecture, burano, europe, italy, medieval, mediterranean, murano, renaissance, travel, venice
Κέρκυρα, Ελλάδα (Kerkyra, Greece)- The “Big Honkers” of the Ionian Sea

Ok so the title is a complete lie- Kerkyra has never, and will never, be referred to as the big honkers of the Ionian Sea- I just wanted to snatch y’alls attention. And let’s be real: who doesn’t love big honkers? Sex sells people!! (Please don’t sue me for slander Greek government ILY 👉👈🥺)

Anyways *clears throat* hi everybody, Matt/Vel here, your friendly neighborhood gay. Kerkyra is one of those places that, for some inexplicable reason, gave me the strongest déjà vu. By the way- did you know that déjà vu means “crazy inexplainable shit” in French? True story. But I digress: Kerkyra made me feel things. Like this deep feeling of comfort, and of returning somewhere familiar. I really can’t put my finger on it. The island itself is an intriguing mixture of things: think Greek, Venetian, Roman, Orthodox, tropical, seaside, lush, mountainous, sunny, humid, and warm all mixed in a blender on liquefy, then served on ice with ouzo. It’s like if Athens was founded on Maui, but with Lindsay Lohan’s Mykonos beach club (by the way did you ever watch that show? It’s fucking crazy. The scene where she is shooting her employees with a rose gold AK-47 that shoots champagne and then she says “I feel like Putin” is absolutely insane television. Also did you ever see that video from like 10 years ago where Lindsay Lohan is on Instagram live in Greece and gets punched in the face because she tries to abduct a Syrian refugee child from their parents. On camera??? It is fucking crazy. What a story arc that woman has had. Now she’s in Hallmark Christmas movies?? What a life…..).

*Focus Matt, focus. We’re talking about Kerkyra*.

Kerkyra (also referred to as Corfu, but that’s more often used for its capital city) is an island in the Ionian Island group off the western coast of Greece; part of the island extends into Albanian waters as well. It essentially marks the beginning of the Adriatic Sea, which stretches northward all the way to Venice, bordered on one side by Italy and on the other by Dalmatia (modern day coastal Croatia). Because of it’s incredibly advantageous position, Kerkyra has been part of numerous empires and nations, stretching allllllll the way back. I mean, pre-classical Greece. Mentioned in Homer’s Odyssey, Kerkyra was an important Greek city throughout many centuries, and played a key role in the Peloponnesian War. Following this, Kerkyra was a major economic hub in the Roman and Byzantine Empires. In quick succession, it then fell into the hands of Genoa, then Venice, then Epirus, then Sicily, then Albania, then back to Venice. I’m sure she was EXHAUSTED I know I would be. Like damn bitch just let me relax! Luckily, Kerkyra remained part of the Venetian Republic for several hundred years. She really flourished in this period, and much of old town Corfu was constructed during this time. This is reflected in Corfu’s notably different architecture from other Greek towns, with tall, narrow buildings on narrow streets- much more characteristic of Venice and other cities along the Adriatic. Due to Venice’s investment in Corfu (and construction of a shit ton of heavily fortified castles) it never fell to the Ottomans, despite constant intense raids and bombardments. STRONG INDEPENDENT BITCH. Buuuut then France took over, then Britain (vom), then Italy and Germany in World War II, then finally part of independent Greece. Fuck Lindsay Lohan’s character arc, THIS is a character arc. Take notes LiLo.

Kerkyra also has a pretty unique and spectacular geography. Known as the sickle island (it forms that shape from space), it is mountainous, especially in the north, with rocky cliff lined coasts. The western side is especially dramatic with sheer cliff faces diving straight into the deep blue waters of the Ionian Sea. The northeastern coast is especially picturesque with steep hillsides and valleys fanning out from Pantokratoras mountain (the island’s highest point) crossed by winding, hairpin lanes and small coastal resort towns tucked into protected coves. It is beeeeeyuuutiful. *deepens voice like Anna Faris’ demonic voice in The House Bunny* ‘BEAUTIFUL’.

The northwestern coast features a much more pockmarked coastline (is that the right word? IDK, adjectives are hard) with shallow bays flanked by steep mountains. It includes the Monastery of Paleokastritsa (an Orthodox monastery perched atop a steep coastal promontory with almost 360 degree views of the ocean), the hillside village of Lakones (which features incredibly steep lanes carved through rugged oceanside ravines and ridges) and several beachside resorts and clubs. The entire island is draped in lush vegetation- it’s known as the Garden Island because of its ample rainfall, temperate climate and wonderful soils. The humidity, floral diversity and warm winters make Kerkyra more closely resemble tropical islands (think Kauai or Bermuda) rather than the arid islands of the Aegean (think Santorini). It’s such a unique combination that makes Kerkyra a true gem: I really wish I had more time to explore her secrets (who wants to visit with me???)

In summary: Kerkyra is great (and tired), déjà vu means ‘high on gas leak fumes’ in French, and Lindsay Lohan is a menace to society. Oh and also Anna Faris is amazing. Oh and also Chris Pratt fucking SUCKS like ew what an absolute toad. How could he do that to Anna Faris? I’m still not over it. Also isn’t he kind of just a piece of shit in general? I mean that metaphorically- please don’t sue me Chris. Or Greece. Or anyone, for that matter. If you win in court all you’ll get is some old wigs and Charming Charlie bracelets with stones missing. Is anyone still reading this post?

XOXO,
Vel/Matt

Κέρκυρα, Ελλάδα (Kerkyra, Greece)- March 2025

April 22, 2025

adriatic, architecture, europe, greece, ionian, kerkyra, lindsay lohan, mediterranean, nature, travel, vacation
Dubrovnik, Croatia- Ragusan riches and salty bitches

Imagine you’re a warrior princess (not hard for some of us hehehehe sorryboutit). But like, in olden times. I mean like, old old times. Like before dial-up internet. You’ve been travelling along the ocean coast with your trusty steed for days, sun blazing overhead. You are still at least 1-2 days travel away from your magnificently appointed manor which you rent out to AirBNB on the weekends. Your water is running low; you and your horse are both exhausted and severely dehydrated. You come to a sheltered cove. The water is crystal clear, lapping up on shore. It taunts you with its quenching secrets. You decide hey, fuck it, let’s go for it. What’s the worst that could happen? (insert ‘Honey, you’ve got a big storm comin‘ video clip.) You lead your horse to drink first. The horse, being significantly smarter than you, doesn’t drink. You, maybe delirious from days of travel in the sun, maybe just idiotic from a public school health curriculum (we watched Osmosis Jones- multiple times- in my high school health class. I wish I was joking) yell at the horse to drink. You say fuck it, I need the water, and thrust your head in to gulp deeply. It’s then that the light bulb goes off: salt water isn’t a pleasant thing to chug. Resurfacing, you scream SLANO! SLANO! (Croatian for salty) at the top of your lungs. Ladies and gentlemen: this is the origin story for the town of Slano along Croatia’s southern coast. I wanted to tell this story because A: I wish we named towns in the US after fun adjectives (imagine a town here called Salty??) and B: I find it absolutely hilarious. I can just imagine pissing off a Slavic grandma and she points at you and yells SLANO. It just feels ✨correct✨ You know what I mean girliepops?

The coast around Dubrovnik in far southern Croatia is absolutely spectacular. Sheer cliffs peppered with olive and pine groves plunging into electric blue waters. Innumerable islands just offshore, partially hidden in the fog. Greek and Roman ruins clinging to every coast. Ancient city walls still bearing the scars of intense gunfire and bombing raids during the wars of the Yugoslavian breakup. It’s a fascinating corner of the globe.

Outside of Dubrovnik itself, the coastline is stUHuhUHuhUHuhNNnnNNnnIIng. The small towns tucked away back in sheltered coves (like miss Salty herself) are little time capsules, showing a vision of life before the recent tourism boom. The town of Trsteno is one of these. The main village square is dominated by an absolute TANK of a tree. Like, Ginorma Jean. They should name it that if they haven’t already- if someone has a direct line to the mayor of Trsteno plz email me with it. Or just a random phone number- I’d love to call someone and tell them this. Built around Ginorma is a small plaza with gorgeous views dropping down to the Adriatic. But the true gem of Trsteno is the arboretum and Gučetić-Gozze Mansion. Built on several acres on a hill sweeping down to a coastal cliff, this estate contains wandering paths through native (and exotic) vegetation, including huge Aleppo Pines, locust trees (unfortunately not flowering), and a variety of others. The centerpiece is a fabulous villa overlooking the sea. This is where some important scene in Game of Thrones was filmed that I honestly don’t give a truck about but I can confirm it was really beautiful!! The extent of my GOT knowledge is that there’s a lot of incest (I think I’m good missing that) and that the final season was awful and included a scene where someone forgot to remove their Starbucks cup. And to be honest, I’m not even mad at the laziness? I’m moreso mad that it’s Starbucks??? Like come on now. You have HOLLYWOOD money. At least go to a fucking Dunkin’. In addition, there is a vineyard, fountain featuring large statues, koi fish and a TURTLE (honestly the entire peak of my day, my year, my existence. I lose my shit with turtles. Some people grow up to be cat ladies, I’ll be a turtle daddy. Just imagine having like, 10 turtles hanging out with you all the time?? Ugh my heart just ruptures with joy at the thought). There’s also an aqueduct?? Like pretty crazy that they built an entire aqueduct to supply this one house with water, but I guess that’s what money will get ya. But honestly? 10/10 would recommend stopping by here if you find yourself bopping around Ragusa. Even if just for the turtle.

Now onto the grand bitch herself: Dubrovnik. Recently she has been a bit of an it-girl, being featured in GOT (of course) and several other shows. But she has also kind of always been an it-girl? She managed to remain independent for long periods of time as her own city state (in those times she went by Ragusa, though. But haven’t we all wanted a name change once or twice? Mine would be SLANO). This put the Dubrovnik area in an extremely important position geopolitically and economically. As such she had many friends, many frenemies, and even a few MORTAL ENEMIES. More on that later. My experience of Dubrovnik centered around a store called TOMMY (in all caps. I also wanna know who the eff Tommy is??? Because I want to thank him). I needed to buy toothpaste, so of course I ended up getting the most obscure, Albanian brand that features 6 herbs (including salvia- allegedly. At least I think that’s what it said in Albanian. I’m not sure, I’m not an Albanian scholar. But I can confirm I’ve only had slight psychoactive and hallucinogenic experiences while brushing with it). We (being me, my brother and his girlfriend) also got to experience a water polo themed coffee bar, complete with swimsuit bottoms and goggles adorning the ceiling. It’s kinda weird sipping an espresso looking up and seeing a G string dangling from the ceiling and you’re not at the Wild Orchid (for those who don’t know- that’s a strip club in Reno, NV that we all know and love and hold near and dear to our hearts). I loved it though. Never change, Croatia.

Hands down my favorite thing about this slice of blessed coastline is the absolute botanical wonderland that it is. Little gardens bursting with kumquat trees, succulents plump and blooming in the warm ocean breeze, vibrant lavender wildflowers awakening from their long slumber. There was wisteria, and lady banks rose, and iris, and coreopsis, kniphofia, and almond trees, and so many others. It really felt like little secret, sheltered gardens nestled in a string of beaches draped along a rocky, heavily indented coastline. Ugh. SLAYYYYYYYYYYYY.

So on that note, I wanted to wrap up by saying: don’t you love how I never addressed the ‘MORTAL ENEMIES’ comment? I never intended on it. And I don’t intend to now. And don’t come for me, because if you do I’ll point at you and yell SLANO.

PS: If you wanted to yell other Croatian adjectives at your friends for fun, here are some options:
– Gorak– Bitter
– Kiselo- Sour
– Hrskavi- Crunchy
–Ubojica djece- Child killer

Dubrovnik, Croatia- March 2025

April 19, 2025

adriatic, croatia, dubrovnik, europe, ragusa, slavic, travel, vacation
Kotor, Montenegro- The Girl We All Wish We Could Be

Kotor, Montenegro is a middle sibling who went to therapy, had the hard conversations, got on Prozac and figured their shit out.

They could’ve been the flashy teenager who peaked in high school and is now a depressed 45 year old with 6 kids, a crippling gambling addiction and terrible credit (cough cough- BELGRADE (Serbia)). They could’ve been that guy who denied who they really are and spent 30 years living a lie as a straight laced accountant instead of being the alligator farming, Civil War reenacting theater nerd they always wanted to be (I’m looking at you SKOPJE (Macedonia)). They could have even been that guy who calls himself a “nice guy” on Tinder but we all know really has at least 5 bodies in their basement and still listens to Maroon 5 (SARAJEVO 👀 (Bosnia & Herzegovina)). But no- they did the work and made sure their insane family dynamics didn’t drag them down. Thank you for rising above and being the best you you can be, Kotor. We see you sis.

Besides coming from the 2nd most dysfunctional family of all time (the 1st being Britney Spears bc I mean come on) Montenegro is a “newcomer” to the geopolitical world stage. Declaring independence from Serbia in 2006, Montenegro has been able to remain relatively peaceful and under-the-radar despite being surrounded by an extremely volatile geographic area. Can we be honest for a sec tho- we all agree that the Balkans, as a region, are METAL AS FUCK RIGHT🤘? As a tiny, isolated(ish), mountainous, sparsely populated nation- Montenegro has many roadblocks ahead of it. However with the possibility of future EU membership (it is currently a candidate nation) and recent huge growth in tourism, Montenegro has the potential to really blossom into a whole new bitch. The question though: does Montenegro want to be a new bitch? Or does she want to stay the same bitch that she is? Has anyone asked what Montenegro really wants? I guess it’s the identity crisis that so many places face with the potential of “development” and “progress”. It’s an extremely tricky balancing act that I feel, unfortunately, only favors the wealthy at the expense of locals and everyone else. Time will tell, I suppose.

To be honest- the Kotor region might be the most beautiful area I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. That’s a strong statement (and maybe a hot take but come fight me if you disagree) but I have to say it inspired me so strongly with it’s dramatic mountain ranges, prismatic blue waters and fascinating mixture of cultures. The city of Kotor lies at the head of a very complex, incredibly scenic ria, or basically a fjord. It’s actually considered to be the southernmost fjord in Europe. To get to the inner bay (where Kotor and other towns lie) you first enter a narrow channel from the Adriatic on which one side lies Croatia and the other lies Montenegro’s Adriatic coast. Once past the initial bottleneck, there is a first inner bay, along which lie several towns. Then, you pass through a second, even narrower channel between sheer cliffs, before entering the inner inner bay. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. The inner-inner bay is narrow and flanked on every side by extremely tall, snowcapped mountains. It’s honestly so beautiful that it made something snap in my brain. Like you know when you see a really cute dog and something in your lizard brain activates and you want to drop what you’re doing and pinch it’s cheeks and roll around on the floor? Well, it was kinda like that, but like, in a nature way. Idk, maybe I’m just mentally ill 🤷

The town of Kotor itself has been a thing for like, almost 2000 years (pretty par for the course for this corner of the globe). It has been part of Venice, Serbia, Bulgaria, the Ottoman Empire, Ragusa, Yugoslavia, and several other interim powers. Each of these has left it’s mark on the area- whether through its architecture, language, food, or lack of fucks to give. The old town is a tangled web of narrow streets, small plazas, cathedrals, bazaars, archways, and CATS. SO MANY CATS. They even have a museum dedicated to cats- called the Kotor Cats Museum. Fun fact: Kotor used to be known as Cattaro (when Italian was the dominant language) so it’s really a huge missed opportunity to not call it the CATtaro Museum. Like come on that is such a low-hanging-fruit-lazy-ass-pun you just KNOW British tourists on holiday would cackle loudly while smoking their fags (it means a CIGARETTE in British slang god you should know I don’t just sling out slurs. And for the record, I am a fag (derogatory) so let me reclaim that word if I want to. Shit. And also for the record according to dictionary.com it also means “a rough or defective spot in a woven fabric- a blemish or flaw” so if I wanted to use that term to describe that I WILL. Fight me. Although that would be homophobic to fight me over reclaiming a gay slur, and you don’t want to be that right?)

Aaaanyways (glances disapprovingly to the homophobes) Kotor is also distinctive for it’s super thicc city walls, which extend up an insanely steep cliffside to include a small hillside church (The Church of Our Lady of Remedies) and a Venetian castle and fortress overlooking the city (called San Giovanni). There is a very steep set of stairways that lead from the town to San Giovanni known as the Ladder of Kotor and let me tell you, she is STEEP. I wouldn’t say the hike up was as difficult as Palamidi in Nafplio (link to a description of my suffering in that blog post here) but it was definitely a schlep (side note- is that how that’s spelled? Correct me if I’m wrong). I have to say though- that hike up was genuinely moving. In an emotional way. Seeing the bay stretch out under you in the late afternoon sun as the mountains’ shadows spread out over the water and coastal towns was absolutely splendid. Maybe it was the extreme dehydration or my hormones or something but I legitimately had an emotional moment seeing such a beautiful sight. I felt so inspired by the geometry, the scale, and the contrast of the lights and shadows on the landscape that I could have spent literally all evening there. But alas- as the clock struck 6, much like a plebian Cinderella, I had to leave and return home. I didn’t want to tumble and break my uvula in half on the steep rocky stairs back in the dark- which I undoubtedly would have- if I didn’t leave in time. So gazing out one last time over the windswept cliffs to the picturesque fjord below, I said ciao to Montenegro.

As I wrap up this post, I just want to address this next part directly to Montenegro itself:

YOU ARE PERFECT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE A SLAVIC BADDIE. DON’T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO CHANGE FOR ANYONE.

I felt so inspired and moved here in a way that I can’t really say I’ve felt anywhere else before. So thank you, Montenegro, for giving me that special gift. Especially in the world we all live in right now. You are definitely NOT a fag (non-derogatory: I’m using this in the blemish or flaw definition. Calm the fuck down).

Kotor, Montenegro- March 2025

April 8, 2025

adriatic, architecture, balkans, europe, history, montenegro, nature, travel
Ανατολική Πελοπόννησος, Ελλάδα (Eastern Peloponnese, Greece)- Popping my Pussy in the name of Agamemnon

You’ve all seen the movie 300 right? That movie that so enthralled young Matt with it’s stark, high contrast depiction of sweaty abs, chiseled jawlines, and scantily clad men (no homo tho I swear). Well I couldn’t tell you a single thing about that movie except that Xerxes had a nose ring (so cunty) and that Gerard Butler was my first Hollywood crush (well technically second after Danny Devito but that’s something to unpack on another day when I’ve had some more therapy under my belt). Dripping, musky, perfectly defined pectorals aside- 300 tells the story of how Leonidas (daddy): the king of Sparta- takes a heroic stand against the far larger Persian army which is bearing down on Greece. His courage inspires the other city-states to take action, eventually pushing back the enemy. Did I mention that there’s a lot of really girthy, muscular, oiled up man-thighs? And that Leonidas has that one ‘V’ shaped muscle (that makes everyone weak in the loins lezzbereal) really, REALLY well defined? That was a part too.

So….yeah none of that has to do with the pussy-poppin’ Peloponnese (besides the fact that Sparta is located there) but I wanted to mention it because we can all agree that Gerard Butler is humanity’s hall pass. The overlap in the Venn Diagram of me, Hillary Clinton, Dennis Rodman, Marie Kondo, Dumbledore and the common narwhal is that we all want a piece of that. No homo.

So besides crafting exceptional meat, the Peloponnese is all about olives. And a bunch of incredible ancient architecture. And crystal clear azure waters. And prickly pear cactus. And wildflowers. And cats. And coastal cliffs. And did I mention abs? Shit, I guess that’s a lot of things. What I’m trying to say is that for such a (relatively) small geographical area on a global scale, the Peloponnese packs a serious punch. Even in just the eastern third of the peninsula (between Nafplion and Corinth) there is an incredible amount of historical and natural depth to explore.

Take for example Epidaurus. Epidaurus was a significant location for the ancient Greeks, who prized it’s spectacular location amidst verdant hills, pine groves and abundant fauna. It became a revered place of peace and healing, and thus the Temple of Asclepius (the son of Apollo who was the god of medicine and wellness) was constructed here. Over time it became a bit of a wellness destination for the city dwellers of Athens looking to escape the hustle and bustle of the city: and many moved there permanently (think of any white granola Pacific Northwest couple who moved to Montana to start a ranch because they watched one episode of Yellowstone). It became such a destination in fact, that eventually around 350 BC a grand amphitheater was built. And when I say grand, I mean this thing is HUGE. It can seat about 13 THOUSAND people. Over several millennia it was buried under dirt, rocks and plants but was painstakingly excavated and restored starting at the end of the 1800’s. Now? It’s used for plays, concerts, and other events. When I visited there were multiple groups of students from schools near and far learning about it’s history and incredible acoustic properties. Can you IMAGINE going somewhere this cool for a school field trip?? We went to the fucking Carson City DMV at my school (to clarify that is an exaggeration for comedic purposes) #NevadaPublicEducation.

There’s also Mycenae- former capital of the Mycenaean civilization and a large archaeological site centered around the Palace of Mycenae. Mycenaean civilization peaked in 1500 BC. Just let that sink in for a sec. 3500 YEARS AGO. THE US HAS BEEN A THING FOR LESS THAN 10% OF THAT TIME. I just can’t. Time is fucking wild. Time isn’t real. The scale of these structures are absolutely bonkers too. The average size of each stone block used to construct the palace is absolutely massive and weighs several tons. The site contains a (still functioning) subterranean cistern which collected water from streams in the nearby mountains to store safely for the settlement’s population. There is the incredible Lion’s Gate, which features a large triangular stone acting as a keystone above a doorway with a lion carving (unfortunately I was not able to snag any good photos of it- but Google images can be found here). There are stone-walled grave circles, which (duh) were where many were buried. But perhaps most awe inspiring are the tholos; these are beehive shaped domed tombs underground which use impressive engineering (namely corbelling and keystones) that utilizes stacked rings of stone which get gradually smaller until a single stone is placed on top. This was done 3500 years ago. Just…think about that. I can barely tie my shoes most days and they had bitches corbelling and keystoning and quarrying huge rocks and doing all this other shit 3500 years ago. Like it’s truly CrazyTown USA. Oh and did I mention? The largest and best preserved of these belonged to a dude called Agamemnon. According to myth, Agamemnon was a huge player in the Trojan War, and was basically the main character in Homer’s The Iliad. He also had a reaaaaal fucked up family (allegedly- don’t sue me Agamemnon’s descendants) that involved a lot of murder, cannibalism, and incest. Honestly pretty par for the course when it comes to Greek mythology. The only thing missing was magical transformation into animals. And then those animals raping people. Greece is fucking wild y’all. WILD.

There’s also Nafplio. Nafplio is honestly SUCH a vibe. It may be my fave spot we visited? Nafplio has (like everything else there I swear) been a bustling commercial hub since antiquity. Located at the southern end of the plain of Argos as it meets the Aegean Sea, the old city is nestled between the port and the steep hills of the Akronauplia or an old fortress on top of the hill overlooking the city. Let me just state for the record before I move on that Nafplio is PRO-TEC-TED. Like she has fortresses on every side! She is just as snug as a bug under a rug and by bug I mean a city and by under a rug I mean surrounded by multiple large fortifications. Besides the Akronauplia, there is Bourtzi- which is a heavily fortified Venetian island fortress completed in the 1500’s, and THEE crown jewel- the Palamidi Fortress. The Palamidi is an absolute unit, taking up basically an entire hilltop overlooking the city. It was built by the Venetians at the beginning of the 1700’s and features 8 bastions, multiple fortified walls, a prison, and several watchtowers. In addition, there is a craaaazy staircase going up (basically) a sheer cliff face to reach one of the fortress entrances. So naturally, that’s the way we went. When I tell you that I thought my calves would detach themselves from my body, change their name and move to France to discover themselves I am being dead serious. It ended up being about 80 floors. But honestly? So worth it. The views from the hike up were absolutely phenomenal. You can see clear across the Argolic Gulf, including the incredibly clear cyan waters against the coastline. Nafplio’s old town stretches out beneath you, a patchwork of orange tiled roofs, flagstone plazas, Greek Orthodox domes and Catholic spires. On the far side, the mountains of the Argolid peninsula stretch to the horizon, dotted with spring wildflowers, olive and pine groves. It was honestly so breathtaking. Finally there is the Arvanitias– a coastal walking path which is sandwiched by the steep cliffs of the Akronauplia on one side and the rocky azure coast of the gulf on the other. It is honestly surreally beautiful- almost dreamlike. The deep blue of the ocean and sky blending into each other contrasted with sheer vertical walls covered in prickly pear cactus with Victorian style ornate street lights framed by natural rock archways? Sign me the FUCK UP.

In summary- the Peloponnese is beauty, grace, and variety. From rocky outcroppings featuring ancient stone fortresses, to idyllic turquoise shores, to explosions of spring flowers- this little(ish) peninsula truly has it all. And have I mentioned the ABS???

P.S.- it has come to my attention that y’all like the photos, and that people may be interested in purchasing prints??? If that’s the case- please let me know and I’m happy to set up a page on here where you can select one you’re interested in and we can work out payment (or a little quid pro quo if you know what I mean 😉 no-not sex you pervert I meant like a general exchange of goods/services not tied to currency. Jesus).

Til next time!
– Matt

Ανατολική Πελοπόννησος, Ελλάδα (Eastern Peloponnese, Greece)- March 2025

April 4, 2025

abs, architecture, epidaurus, europe, greece, mediterranean, mycenae, nature, peloponnese, sparta, travel
Αθήνα, Ελλάδα (Athens, Greece)- Do I even need a witty title? It’s fucking ATHENS.
You heard me right. It’s not Athens, Georgia. It’s not Athens, New York. It sure as hell ain’t Athens, Alabama (yes I checked- that’s a real place). It’s THE Athens. The blueprint. The original. Mother, if you will.

Where do I even begin? Athens has been a Matt bucket list place to visit ever since I came into this world at St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center in the great year of 1993. It’s the cradle of western civilization, democracy, and all that other generic shit listed in school textbooks. It’s also an incredibly interesting and wonderful case study of how cities can revere and honor the past, while evolving to accommodate successive waves and ebbs. Athens is the capital and hub of modern Greece and has been for (checks notes) about 3500 years. No biggie. I mean, Athens really is in a league of it’s own (well, maybe alongside other ancient urban centers like Beijing, Beirut, Varanasi and Damascus). These places have so many layers of history that it’s hard for a little west coast flamer like me to comprehend. Thousands of years of different cultures rising, making their mark, and falling into obscurity. Sometimes gradually, oftentimes abruptly and violently. I mean, they have really seen some SHIT. It really helps put so many things into perspective. Ok enough of the thoughtful bullshit- this is a lavidaveeta post after all. We want 100% balls-to-the-wall utter insanity amirite? *airhorn* *screech**another airhorn**A SECOND LOUDER SCREECH*. So let’s leave the well-versed generalizations of Athens behind and talk about how magical it was for me and my family to experience this marvelous, marble-clad, multi-millennium-spanning metropolis.

Athens greeted us with full springtime glory. The city is absolutely covered in citrus trees- almost every street is lined with bountiful orange trees (which were in bloom and deliciously fragrant, and were also absolutely loaded with oranges), blooming almond trees, fruit-laden lemon trees, and the ubiquitous olive tree. If there’s one thing we learned in Athens (and the Mediterranean in general) it’s that olives are life, laughter, and love. They are everywhere. In the park? Olive trees. The side of the road? Olive trees. Next to your bed as you sleep at night, watching over you like a protective guardian with a warm embrace? Olive trees. They are right there with you, from birth to death; an ever present and delicious presence. Well, for other people. I was afraid to out myself as a (lowers voice) non olive lover. You know, I’m not trying to ruin our standing in the world right now more than we already are (obligatory fuck you Trump fascist pieces of shit). *exhale* Let’s move on.

Plaka. In Greek, Πλάκα. What does it mean, you may ask? Bitch, I’m not a historian, nor am I a master of the Greek language, so I have 0 clues and even fewer guesses. But what I can tell you is that it’s a really beautiful neighborhood in Athens that we spent a lot of time exploring. It was my favorite part of the city hands down bootz. Nestled on the eastern slopes of Acropolis Hill, Plaka is the oldest neighborhood of the current city, and for much of Athens’ history it represented the town itself. I think Plaka is what my smooth-brained US raised self pictured all of Athens to be: narrow, winding, cobbled streets with orange-tiled buildings in bright hues clustered together with bougainvillea bursting between weathered ruins. And don’t get me wrong, Plaka hit each and every one of those points FABULOUSLY. But please, don’t reduce her to a stereotype, because she is so much more than that:
- Plaka is the herds of neighborhood cats- at first appearing feral in nature, but upon closer inspection you see that they are extremely well taken care of by the Plaka community with public (cat-public?) beds and shelters, water and food bowls scattered throughout, and an abundance of people more than happy to love on them. Not a bad life, eh?
- Plaka are it’s buildings. And I don’t mean the large monuments and churches (although those are pretty frenching spectacular as well). I mean the small houses on dead end streets, falling apart through decades (or more??) of neglect, but possessing a fading, decaying beauty. The stories these houses could tell.
- Plaka are it’s birds. The ever-present magpies, which squack frequently and quite frankly sound GOOFY AF. If you have a problem with it, come for me magpies. I’ll fight you. And your family. AND take your shiny things. Bitch.
- Plaka is its roof tiles- strikingly unique, with a decorative, vertical front row of tiles oftentimes featuring sculptures of faces, floral motifs, mythological references or geometric designs. Wikipedia tells me that these are called antefixes and were popular throughout Greece and Roman architecture. NGL- it’s kinda funny that Rome straight up copied a bunch of Greek concepts and gave them slightly different names and applications. It’s like plagiarizing someone’s schoolwork but changing a few things here and there to make it look like your own. LAME. ROME, YOU’RE LAME. I’LL FIGHT YOU AND THE MAGPIES. AT THE SAME TIME.
- Plaka is it’s amazing people:
  - That includes Ramon, a man we met playing a bouzouki (a type of mandolin) on an empty side street to a captive audience of 5 sleeping cats. We stopped, tipped him some euros, and enjoyed his music. Well, little did we know that Ramon is a fucking VIBE. We learned that he LOVES the Chicago Bulls, especially the Dream Team era (duh). He let my brother play his bouzouki, which of course he slayed (shoutout Charlie I know you read the blog or if you don’t you better start now whore!). He gave us shots of rakia (a Greek spirit similar to grappa- very strong!) out of an unmarked bottle and we toasted to Chicago. He also proceeded to yell at a passing tourist who stopped to take pictures of him and his cats (honestly I’d do the same). He then told us that he’s used to being photographed by strangers constantly, without his consent, during peak tourist season. He has had friends find videos of him on TikTok which he wasn’t aware of- fucked up. Ramon now charges for pictures and videos, which is quite cunty (non-derogatory) if you ask me. We love you Ramon, you king.
  - It includes Ana, the lovely owner of a tavern we found early one morning as we stopped across the street to get coffee. Ana was washing the tavern’s patio, watching me as I took endless pictures of the early morning light on some neighboring buildings. Ana (who didn’t speak any English and probably has to deal with so many bumbling buffoons like me all the time) came up to me, and offered for me to go up to the roof of her building and take pictures. I mean, OF COURSE I DID. What I didn’t plan on, however, was getting extremely lost in the building and almost forcing open the wrong door. Ana, noticing my incompetence, came up the stairs and pointed at the very obvious correct pathway up to the roof, while smiling and shaking her head. Ana, you exemplify cuntiness (non-derogatory) in its purest form. We salute you.
  - It includes Romeo, a painter on another side street who was painting these beautiful landscape scenes completely from memory (or straight off the top of the dome?) Either way, they were super detailed, vibrant, and stunning. Romeo also was loudly watching some Greek TV show on his phone where people were screaming at each other- possibly some kind of soap opera?? I choose to believe that’s what it is. Because if so that would ALSO definitely embody cuntiness (non-derogatory).
At this point you’re probably like bitch where did you go that wasn’t Plaka? First of all, go eat a fucking ding dong and calm down. Secondly, a lot of places! I’m gonna give a brief rundown of some of my standout spots and what silliness transpired there:
- Acropolis Hill: I mean duh hello how could we not? It was the first place we visited, all together (I went on the trip with my mom, dad, brother and his girlfriend). It was pleasantly surprising to see the accessibility accommodations they had (including a separate lift to the top) considering most of Athens was very lacking in that infrastructure. But beyond that, like HOLY $W&#(F*CWEN was it incredible. I teared up. Multiple times. Being in the presence of structures that ancient that have been preserved and restored and loved throughout the years is something truly incredible. What wasn’t were the people literally just there to take selfies with some buildings in the background. Pretty cunty (DEROGATORY).
- Piraeus and the Athens Riviera: Piraeus is, for lack of a better analogy, the Tacoma to Athens’ Seattle. And I don’t mean it has an overwhelming stench of decay and a thirst for the blood of virgins. I mean that it’s a port city connected to Athens by way of urban sprawl and freeways with reaaaaal bad traffic. But more than that- she’s also real purty. There’s also this giant development happening in this area along the coast called Ellnikon which sounds and looks good on paper but we are convinced is a giant real estate scam/cult/money laundering scheme. I mean, there were multiple cranes set up that weren’t actually connected to any construction sites and had no materials, an “interactive experience” which had dedicated staff that couldn’t answer simple questions as to the logistics of the development (my brother and his GF went and described the experience as “bizarre and unsettling”- the staff all wore matching powder blue suits, smiled non-stop and were in a giant empty airport hangar with no one else around. Kinda spooky). You know I love mess and scandal so trust I will be watching for updates on this like a HAWK.
- Presidential Palace: There are some guards that change shift here with fruity little shoes with giant flamboyant poofballs on em and that high step by each other while people take pictures. It was kinda gay NGL. But like, not in a fun way? Moreso in a #twinks4trump way. Idk- anything related to the military I could literally give -5000 fucks about so this was probs my least favorite thing in Athens.
- Stavros Niarchos Park: Just casually a giant beautiful park with extensive gardens full of olive trees (of course) and native Mediterranean species built ON THE ROOF OF A GIANT LIBRARY. America could never. ROME could never (suck it Rome).
- Temple of Hephaestus & Ancient Agora: Some stunning partially restored temples, both Greek and Byzantine, contrasted with the fully restored ancient Agora (the original marketplace of the city). The architecture and grounds were stunning. Even more stunning? The ABS on the statues- my LORD what kind of belly fat blasting phen-phen Ozempic Jenny Craig lifestyle were these people into? I was gooped, gagged, and only slightly aroused.
In summary, I’d like to make an analogy. Athens is a drag queen. But not any drag queen. She is a LEGEND. Think a Sasha Colby. She has been there, done that, and still looks fucking stunning. She has fellow legendary sisters that have weathered the storms of time together (i.e. Damascus, Beijing, etc. Also wouldn’t Damascus or Beijing kinda be cunty (non-derogatory) drag names? I think so). She has birthed many drag children (yes, even including the one she’s maybe a little embarrassed by because they’re loud and obnoxious- ROME). She has forever left her mark in the world, even as the world has not always been respectful or kind back to her. She has grace, and flaws, and an undying spirit. She will open her home to you, feed you, give you wine, and punch you in the face if you offend her. We will forever love and respect you, Athens. Thank you for welcoming my family. Thank you for sharing your stories with us. And most of all, thank you for letting us drink from your unlabeled glass bottle of (maybe homemade?) rakia on a random side street on a beautiful afternoon.

Before I finish this post- I would like to make a formal statement to the city of Rome: I do not actually think you are loud, obnoxious, plagiarizing, lame or cunty (derogatory). I simply made these statements for the purpose of artistic and comedic expression. Please don’t sue me ❤

Αθήνα, Ελλάδα (Athens, Greece)- March 2025
March 28, 2025

architecture, athens, byzantine, europe, greece, history, mediterranean, plaka, roman, travel
Seattle in the Spring- The biggest tease of all time except maybe for Pedro Pascal (Pedro if you’re reading this CALL ME).

I mean, the title says it all right? Who doesn’t lose their goddamn mind over THEEE Zaddy Pedro Pascal? What isn’t to love? He’s goofy, has great fashion, is insanely hot, and loudly and publicly supports his trans sister (which let’s be real should just be the bare minimum but with most people the bar is 600,000 meters underground). [DISCLAIMER- mom and dad I know you read this don’t read this next line]. And you just know this man knows how to eat some ass. [Ok mom and dad now it’s safe to read.]

Anyways- enough about my future husband and the father of my future children. This is a post about SEATTLE. You’re probably wondering why I said Seattle in the spring is a tease. Well, let me tell you a little bit about a phenomenon called “Fake Spring”. Basically, it’s periods of time early in the year (think February, early March) when the weather decides to fuck with us and get absolutely beautiful. Sunny skies. Temperatures in the 60’s. Birds chirping and flowers blooming. Basically, enough to just barely get you hopeful that maybe the world isn’t a vortex of suffering. Then BAM! Darkness. Wet darkness. Depressing darkness. Lonely darkness. Basically my love life (PEDRO YOU COULD CHANGE THAT CALL ME).

That all being said even fake spring brings me happiness, because it offers glimpses of serotonin to come. Even the small doses of sunshine help jumpstart my photosynthesis and I feel like I slowly emerge from a deep, foggy slumber. I know it’s cliche but I don’t care: spring to me equals pure joy. It means life emerging from death. It means the return of birdsong in the mornings. It means the fragrant drafts of flowers as you walk down the street. It means colors, and warmth, and energy. Sure, there are allergies. But guess what bitch, my sinuses are bad ALL YEAR. So….checkmate.

Seattle truly takes seasonal shifts to the absolute max (well besides the Arctic circle but honestly shut up no one likes a know-it-all pick me beta). Winter is a dark grey heavy blanket which stifles the soul, while summer is a radiant golden 19-hour-a-day celebration of life. Spring and fall are both explosions of color and beauty in their own way: spring mimicking birth with light rain and flowerbuds, and fall honoring death with a final vibrant supernova of hues. It’s one of the reasons why I really love living here- you get to experience a magnificent city and landscape through 4 very different lenses every year.

At this point you might think “wow, this guy really hates winter” and you’re only somewhat wrong. Like I mentioned in my last post, winter allows you to enjoy the hidden, austere beauty that many landscapes cloak in biomass the rest of the year. I deeply appreciate moments like a thin layer of morning frost that glistens in the sun. But let’s be real- vitamin D deficiency is a real motherfucker (the number of Seattleites I know who are prescribed upwards of 10,000 mcg of Vitamin D to take DAILY is honestly pretty insane). Seasonal affective disorder is real, and it sucks, and I’m always so glad when I see that Daylight Savings is on the horizon because I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Literally.

I want to wrap this up by saying that in spite of the world right now, I’m grateful for the world right now. People say to touch grass and while I think it’s a really obnoxious and reductive phrase, it ain’t wrong. We are creatures of the earth, which need the earth. Through all of this insanity, I cannot stress the importance of finding your own way to connect with your surroundings. Whether it’s going on walks with a friend, a dog, or by yourself. Or bringing a book to read at the park. Or, shit, event just watching nature documentaries at home. Maybe the following pictures can help provide some of that for you? I know taking them definitely helped me.

So please sit back, take a giant bong rip, and enjoy these photos from around Seattle and the Puget Sound. CALL ME PEDRO.

Seattle and the Sound- February 2025

March 4, 2025

architecture, explore, nature, pedropascal, seattle, spring, travel, washington