sparta – La Vida Veeta

You’ve all seen the movie 300 right? That movie that so enthralled young Matt with it’s stark, high contrast depiction of sweaty abs, chiseled jawlines, and scantily clad men (no homo tho I swear). Well I couldn’t tell you a single thing about that movie except that Xerxes had a nose ring (so cunty) and that Gerard Butler was my first Hollywood crush (well technically second after Danny Devito but that’s something to unpack on another day when I’ve had some more therapy under my belt). Dripping, musky, perfectly defined pectorals aside- 300 tells the story of how Leonidas (daddy): the king of Sparta- takes a heroic stand against the far larger Persian army which is bearing down on Greece. His courage inspires the other city-states to take action, eventually pushing back the enemy. Did I mention that there’s a lot of really girthy, muscular, oiled up man-thighs? And that Leonidas has that one ‘V’ shaped muscle (that makes everyone weak in the loins lezzbereal) really, REALLY well defined? That was a part too.

So….yeah none of that has to do with the pussy-poppin’ Peloponnese (besides the fact that Sparta is located there) but I wanted to mention it because we can all agree that Gerard Butler is humanity’s hall pass. The overlap in the Venn Diagram of me, Hillary Clinton, Dennis Rodman, Marie Kondo, Dumbledore and the common narwhal is that we all want a piece of that. No homo.

So besides crafting exceptional meat, the Peloponnese is all about olives. And a bunch of incredible ancient architecture. And crystal clear azure waters. And prickly pear cactus. And wildflowers. And cats. And coastal cliffs. And did I mention abs? Shit, I guess that’s a lot of things. What I’m trying to say is that for such a (relatively) small geographical area on a global scale, the Peloponnese packs a serious punch. Even in just the eastern third of the peninsula (between Nafplion and Corinth) there is an incredible amount of historical and natural depth to explore.

Take for example Epidaurus. Epidaurus was a significant location for the ancient Greeks, who prized it’s spectacular location amidst verdant hills, pine groves and abundant fauna. It became a revered place of peace and healing, and thus the Temple of Asclepius (the son of Apollo who was the god of medicine and wellness) was constructed here. Over time it became a bit of a wellness destination for the city dwellers of Athens looking to escape the hustle and bustle of the city: and many moved there permanently (think of any white granola Pacific Northwest couple who moved to Montana to start a ranch because they watched one episode of Yellowstone). It became such a destination in fact, that eventually around 350 BC a grand amphitheater was built. And when I say grand, I mean this thing is HUGE. It can seat about 13 THOUSAND people. Over several millennia it was buried under dirt, rocks and plants but was painstakingly excavated and restored starting at the end of the 1800’s. Now? It’s used for plays, concerts, and other events. When I visited there were multiple groups of students from schools near and far learning about it’s history and incredible acoustic properties. Can you IMAGINE going somewhere this cool for a school field trip?? We went to the fucking Carson City DMV at my school (to clarify that is an exaggeration for comedic purposes) #NevadaPublicEducation.

There’s also Mycenae- former capital of the Mycenaean civilization and a large archaeological site centered around the Palace of Mycenae. Mycenaean civilization peaked in 1500 BC. Just let that sink in for a sec. 3500 YEARS AGO. THE US HAS BEEN A THING FOR LESS THAN 10% OF THAT TIME. I just can’t. Time is fucking wild. Time isn’t real. The scale of these structures are absolutely bonkers too. The average size of each stone block used to construct the palace is absolutely massive and weighs several tons. The site contains a (still functioning) subterranean cistern which collected water from streams in the nearby mountains to store safely for the settlement’s population. There is the incredible Lion’s Gate, which features a large triangular stone acting as a keystone above a doorway with a lion carving (unfortunately I was not able to snag any good photos of it- but Google images can be found here). There are stone-walled grave circles, which (duh) were where many were buried. But perhaps most awe inspiring are the tholos; these are beehive shaped domed tombs underground which use impressive engineering (namely corbelling and keystones) that utilizes stacked rings of stone which get gradually smaller until a single stone is placed on top. This was done 3500 years ago. Just…think about that. I can barely tie my shoes most days and they had bitches corbelling and keystoning and quarrying huge rocks and doing all this other shit 3500 years ago. Like it’s truly CrazyTown USA. Oh and did I mention? The largest and best preserved of these belonged to a dude called Agamemnon. According to myth, Agamemnon was a huge player in the Trojan War, and was basically the main character in Homer’s The Iliad. He also had a reaaaaal fucked up family (allegedly- don’t sue me Agamemnon’s descendants) that involved a lot of murder, cannibalism, and incest. Honestly pretty par for the course when it comes to Greek mythology. The only thing missing was magical transformation into animals. And then those animals raping people. Greece is fucking wild y’all. WILD.

There’s also Nafplio. Nafplio is honestly SUCH a vibe. It may be my fave spot we visited? Nafplio has (like everything else there I swear) been a bustling commercial hub since antiquity. Located at the southern end of the plain of Argos as it meets the Aegean Sea, the old city is nestled between the port and the steep hills of the Akronauplia or an old fortress on top of the hill overlooking the city. Let me just state for the record before I move on that Nafplio is PRO-TEC-TED. Like she has fortresses on every side! She is just as snug as a bug under a rug and by bug I mean a city and by under a rug I mean surrounded by multiple large fortifications. Besides the Akronauplia, there is Bourtzi- which is a heavily fortified Venetian island fortress completed in the 1500’s, and THEE crown jewel- the Palamidi Fortress. The Palamidi is an absolute unit, taking up basically an entire hilltop overlooking the city. It was built by the Venetians at the beginning of the 1700’s and features 8 bastions, multiple fortified walls, a prison, and several watchtowers. In addition, there is a craaaazy staircase going up (basically) a sheer cliff face to reach one of the fortress entrances. So naturally, that’s the way we went. When I tell you that I thought my calves would detach themselves from my body, change their name and move to France to discover themselves I am being dead serious. It ended up being about 80 floors. But honestly? So worth it. The views from the hike up were absolutely phenomenal. You can see clear across the Argolic Gulf, including the incredibly clear cyan waters against the coastline. Nafplio’s old town stretches out beneath you, a patchwork of orange tiled roofs, flagstone plazas, Greek Orthodox domes and Catholic spires. On the far side, the mountains of the Argolid peninsula stretch to the horizon, dotted with spring wildflowers, olive and pine groves. It was honestly so breathtaking. Finally there is the Arvanitias– a coastal walking path which is sandwiched by the steep cliffs of the Akronauplia on one side and the rocky azure coast of the gulf on the other. It is honestly surreally beautiful- almost dreamlike. The deep blue of the ocean and sky blending into each other contrasted with sheer vertical walls covered in prickly pear cactus with Victorian style ornate street lights framed by natural rock archways? Sign me the FUCK UP.

In summary- the Peloponnese is beauty, grace, and variety. From rocky outcroppings featuring ancient stone fortresses, to idyllic turquoise shores, to explosions of spring flowers- this little(ish) peninsula truly has it all. And have I mentioned the ABS???

P.S.- it has come to my attention that y’all like the photos, and that people may be interested in purchasing prints??? If that’s the case- please let me know and I’m happy to set up a page on here where you can select one you’re interested in and we can work out payment (or a little quid pro quo if you know what I mean 😉 no-not sex you pervert I meant like a general exchange of goods/services not tied to currency. Jesus).

Til next time!
– Matt