“Okay, the woman’s ripe mouth and long legs had triggered more than one erotic fantasy inside his head. And yes, he had to erase the lingering memory of her body ensnared with his during that idiotic kiss on the sidewalk outside NYU. He wasn’t making excuses for himself or her. Wasn’t questioning his own instincts. But….
Christ! Who the hell was he kidding? Everything in him wanted OMEGA Control to come back with incontrovertible evidence that Victoria Talbot was exactly who she claimed to be.
Striding to the bathroom, he wrenched the faucets with barely controlled savagery and doused his face with ice-cold water. Three minutes later, he rapped on her door.”
The Shakespearean passage you just read was an excerpt from Merline Lovelace’s novel Double Deception: Codename DANGER- a riveting tale of two special agents (codenamed Rebel and Blade) who are tasked with uncovering and saving a priceless Russian artifact from ruthless bounty hunters, all while dramatically stripping off each other’s clothes in numerous steamy exotic locations (like inside of a historian’s office. No joke). What, you may ask, does this tantalizing and titillating tale of trickery and tits have to do with me moving to Milwaukee? *chuckles* Oh, you sweet sweet summer child. Soon you shall find out.
I want to start off firstly by saying that I apologize for the lack of posts as of late! I forgot how fucking hard moving is, let alone cross country. There’s so many things to figure out like parking, and utilities, and hanging up photos, and familiarizing yourself with your neighborhood, and unpacking furniture, and trying (and failing) to set up your bidet, and making friends with your hilarious Serbian handyman. All of these things have in fact happened! Rest assured that as I slowly and surely start to get my shit figured out here, a stable posting rhythm will return. But in all honesty- WHO LIKES STABILITY?? NOT ME!! Exemplifying this was the path my friends and I took to get here. It was a chaotic ass multi-leg roadtrip spanning from the Pacific Northwest to the Ohio River and (partially) back again. But I got to share it with some of the most important people in my life (and we didn’t kill each other!) It truly felt like the most magical way to transition between chapters in life, and I’m so grateful for them ❤ Here’s the breakdown in itinerary:
- Day 1: Seattle to Ennis, Montana. Pit stops at the Columbia Gorge, George (yes there’s a town in Washington called George, so George, Washington. So camp), Spokane, Alberton (small lil’ town in Montana. We love her!), and Butte. Only took about….15 hours more or less? But who’s counting 🙃 Also: shoutout to Anna at the Riverside Motel & Outfitters. They are the kindest human and their motel is so cute!! Anna: I PROMISE I WILL MAIL THE KEYS BACK THAT WE TOOK WITH US. I pinky promise.
- Day 2: Ennis, Montana to Deadwood, South Dakota. Pit stops in Billings (aka the fucking worst, most cursed patch of Earth in the entire universe), Lame Deer (another small lil’ town in Montana), Ashland (another another small lil’ town in Montana), and Broadus (another another another small lil’ town in Montana). This was the most remote stretch of the trip, but passed through some of the most beautiful countryside. Southeastern Montana is really fucking pretty. Only spent about…10/11 hours in the car?
- Day 3: Deadwood, South Dakota to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Pit stops in Deadwood (cause duh- its a cool ass town), the mountain with old white guys with fake teeth, the Crazy Horse memorial (which is currently under construction but will be absolutely MASSIVE once completed. Also- the story of the man who started this project is insane??? Korczak Ziolkowski worked on the sculpture for 36 years, many of them by himself, in which he built all of his own facilities. Craziness. For more information about the backstory of the memorial including Crazy Horse himself, check out this page on the memorial’s website.) We also stopped in Wall, South Dakota (the town which you will see advertised literally hundreds of times on Interstate 90) and Badlands National Park. Now- when I tell you that I was fully and completely gooped & gagged by the sheer beauty of this place, that is an understatement. Seeing millions of years of geologic history stretch in front of you in stunning hues of coral, tan and red as storm clouds roll across the distance was a sight I will never forget. Also there were turkeys there???! Absolutely breathtaking- the pictures really do not do it justice).
- Day 4: Sioux Falls to Milwaukee!!! (airhorn airhorn airhorn). With pit stops in Rochester, Minnesota (more on this later 😈), La Crosse, Wisconsin (featuring a stunning crossing of the Mississippi River) and Madison (also more on THIS later). And finally- MILWAUKEE!!! Lord I cannot tell you how good it felt for all of us (and for my car) to finally get here. Vivi (my 2007 Honda CRV) was a true BEAST and hauled that big ass UHaul like it was nothing across more than 2000 miles. She is a national treasure!! Everyone- wherever you are right now reading this- please say a THANK YOU for Vivi for getting us all here safely.
- Day 4 Part 2: Ok so we gotta talk about Rochester. While there eating some bomb ass noodz for lunch, my friend accidentally left their bag with like, all of their important documents in the restroom. Which is terrifying! Especially cause they were flying home. The especially shitty part was that we didn’t discover this until we were like….3 hours past Rochester and coming up close to Milwaukee. Luckily they called the Noodz store, confirmed the bag was there, the Noodz employees didn’t steal anything (which is good cause Vivi woulda stomped them) and we made plans to figure out how tf we were gonna get it. Now here comes into play Madison. After brainstorming for like 15 minutes (so so so impressed with us as a group for problem solving so effectively and quickly in some random ass empty gas station) we came up with Attack Plan Alpha (just made that name up now). Here’s how it went: we drive to Madison where we pick up a rental car at the airport. We all drive to Milwaukee, where we pick up the keys to my apartment and unload as much as possible. Then 2 of us take the rental car eaaaaaarly in the morning all the way back to Rochester (3 plus hours one way) to grab the bag and turn around. The other two of us stay behind, finish offloading everything from the UHaul, drop the UHaul off, drive back to Madison to meet up, and then immediately drive to Cincinnati (like 7 hours away). At this point you’re probably like ummmm what Cincinnati?? Hold please, I will get there. After crafting Attack Plan Alpha we executed Attack Plan Alpha quickly and effectively. And by that I mean we did the things listed there ^^^ (it’s just way more fun to call it Attack Plan Alpha).
- Day 5: Milwaukee to Cincinnati by way of Madison. Ok so now to explain Cincinnati: my friends were already planning to go there after Milwaukee because they have family there. I decided last minute to latch on like a barnacle to a beautiful, sexy whale and join them. Because why tf not?? When else would I ever go to Cincinnasty? The answer is never. Truly, never. BUT! It is an amazing city with really cool architecture! (Gallery linked here.) So! After meeting back up with friends in Madison and making it to Cincinnati it was about…..2:30 AM? But we secured the purse! And got some really good falafel on the way.
- Day ??????: After spending a few days in Cin City, I left my friends (wahhhh 😭) and drove back to Milwaukee, stopping in and saying hi to my brother and his girlfriend (hi brother and girlfriend!!! They read the blog. Or should I say- they BETTER be reading the blog 🔪). And then the next day I was finally home! I truly felt like that meme of the girl from Arthur with the huge bags under her eyes looking absolutely deranged. This one.
So- what did we learn on the trip? In short- absolutely nothing. But we had so much fun!! And saw so many stunning areas of the country that really get overlooked. Some standout spots for me were:
- Driving through the Crow and Northern Cheyenne reservation lands in southeastern Montana. Such a quiet, remote part of the world but filled with so much astounding natural beauty. There was this one segment of US 212 we drove between Lame Deer and Ashland that was especially beautiful with some really incredible geologic formations off the side of the road. And shoutout to the people (and multiple dispensaries) of Ashland, who were so kind to us all!
- The Black Hills of South Dakota- WOWOWOWOWOWwoahwoahwubzy these were magnificent. The forests. The sheer cliffs. The winding roads through verdant meadows. The dramatic rock outcroppings. The wildflowers. Must return at some point to frolic.
- Seeing a fox (and narrowly avoiding hitting it with Vivi) outside of Ennis, Montana at like 1 AM.
- Deadwood- what an awesome town! So much cool architecture. Cons included the number of really weird billboards plastered along Interstate 90 appealing to all of the bikers going to Sturgis saying to not hate Jews?? It was truly bizarre. They were like, comparing how much people like riding their bikes to stopping hate against Jewish people. Like what is the connection? Are they there bc they’re assuming that everyone going to Sturgis is a nazi (which, I mean…..is a possibility)? But also like….with the genocide in Gaza nazis are now (kind of) supporting the Zionists? And I know that being Jewish does NOT equal being a Zionist in any way shape or form, but like, what other connection is there?? I dunno- nothing makes fucking sense anymore.
- The Montana skies. They are captivating, vibrant, and truly massive. No wonder its called Big Sky Country.
- Badlands National Park- 10/10. Literally ate every single crumb on the plate, vomited them back up and then ate them again. It was truly majestic, and we only saw a tiny fraction of the park. I want to go back one summer and camp there for multiple days and explore. Who’s down to join?
- Sunset over the plains of South Dakota as a thunderstorm rolled by in the distance. South Dakota is honestly SO underappreciated. What a breathtaking corner of the world.
- Alberton- just a cute lil’ town tucked away in the mountains of western Montana with an adorable main street with a historic bookstore, a dive bar called Trax (where everyone was super kind to us) and some gorgeous mountain scenery.
- Rochester- the noodz were good and they didn’t steal my friend’s stuff.
- Billings, in a bad way. This city is seriously just the dumping ground of everything toxic (literal and figurative) in this country. Not only is it surrounded by several huge oil refineries, it just has an air of evil. It’s cursed. Dark-sided. Heteronormative. If you need more evidence of Billings’ hateful spirit, read my previous blog post from an experience there I had with some other friends in 2024. Seriously I could dedicate an entire second blog post to talking shit about Billings but I won’t because I’m better than that. I’ve been to therapy. I don’t let nasty, petty bitches take up space in my mind anymore. Billings can’t hurt me anymore. BILLINGS ISN’T REAL (wipes away tears).
If you’ve gotten this far in the post and are still wondering what tf Merline Lovelace’s book has to do with this trip, it has everything to do with it. We found this novel in a little free library in Ennis, almost as if it was sent to us as a divine gift. Merline’s encouraging, arousing passages accompanied us on the long, lonely drives across the plains. Without hearing about how Blade seduced an NYU historian, or how Rebel used to do covert operations in Moscow in a past life and knows fluent Russian, or how the Amber Room in Saint Petersburg is a real thing I don’t think we would have made it. Merline’s words kept us sane, safe, and seduced the whole way to Milwaukee. And to her we say: thank you queen. (Also please do yourself a favor and search Merline Lovelace online: you will get to see pictures of the queen herself and several of her titles. Just incredible).
Cross County: Rockies, Plains, Midwest- August 2025
La Vida Veeta 
