Do you ever have those moments where you think “Why am I here? How did I get here? How did I survive this long? I can’t believe it’s not butter?” Recently, I’ve been asking myself these questions often (especially the last one). If you would have asked teenage Matt where he’d be in 2026, he would’ve answered “dead”. And only slightly jokingly. As a teenager, the thought of being in my 30’s was as foreign a concept as heterosexuality. I honestly never felt like I could see a life for myself beyond the immediate day to day. Teenage angst and short-sightedness? Definitely. Depression? Absolutely. Not having a single fucking clue what I was doing in life and feeling completely out of control? 100%. The older I get (as I’m sure we’d all agree) the more confident I’ve become in myself, and also the more at peace with the uncertainty of the world and lack of control we have in our lives. I think so often the idea of what we think our life should be fights tooth and nail against the reality of the situations we find ourselves in and we beat ourselves up about it mercilessly. And like sis, who has time for that? There’s already an entire government trying to beat you down (unless you’re a cis white man tbh). There’s the media (mainstream, social and whatever the fuck Joe Rogan is) peddling the narrative that you’re not enough. Whether that be beautiful enough. Or fit enough. Or virile enough. Or rich enough. Or whatever the eff it may be. Then you have the fact that we’re all chained to this capitalist system we’ve invested in as a society, forcing us to spend our days making money for others (who, most of the time, are so wealthy they will never have to experience crisis situations in their life) to afford a roof over our heads, and health insurance, and (god forbid) some tomfoolery. We got enough going on, shit! And I’m not saying this to say that “oh, you just shouldn’t doubt yourself because you don’t have the time to waste”. Instead I’m saying the opposite- the system is designed for you to doubt yourself. Instead, we have to support each other. Inject kindness and supportiveness and empathy into your daily interactions with people, whether you know them or not. Give folks a nod when you walk by. Shake your ass in the street. Spit on a Nazi’s face. Ya know, the little things that keep this threadbare societal fabric somewhat held together.
Speaking of barely clinging to sanity- have y’all ever watched the show Passions? It’s a late 1990’s TV soap that is absolutely deranged and campy and features witchcraft and Princess Diana and a talking doll and drug cartels and identical twins and a prom boat that gets sunk by this white bread teenager named Charity who gets evil powers from a pendant and shoots lightning bolts out of her hands. (Here– please watch this blessed media so you have it as a reference forever in your life. It’s absolutely incredible.) Anyways, I bring up Passions not only because it is pure, unadulterated, campy chaotic fun but also because each season lasts like, 100 episodes and it helps me feel like the runaway, exponentially accelerating speed of life and the universe gets slowed down just a teensy bit. Typically like 10-15 episodes will take place over the span of three days, repeating the same absurd events repeatedly and then referencing them multiple times in flashbacks. In the Passions universe, time has no meaning. It stretches and contracts like water in the cracks of pavement as it freezes and thaws, gradually prying apart the foundational blocks of reality like one massive early 2000’s Nyquil fever dream. As you watch it, it’s like staring into the abyss. Into the void. And the void always looks back at you. Sometimes in the dead of night, I can hear its penny whistle theme song quietly whispering to me. Telling me to go into the living room and turn on the TV and watch season 2 episode 256. Oftentimes I indulge. If I hesitate or fight its siren call, it yells at me in a long-dead language. It’s been my happy place this winter break.
So obbbbbviously I’m doing great right? Teehee! *twitches*. But wow- 2025- what a year am I right? I remember wondering in January how the fuck we would get through this year. Somehow we made it, and I’m still not really sure how. So much has happened. Both in the world (mostly terrible) and in our own personal spheres (hopefully mostly not terrible?) Friends got married. Friends split up. People moved (including me!!!). People graduated, and gave birth, and discovered they were pregnant, and went to rehab, and bought houses, and bought bars, and fell in love, and fell out of love, and got pets, and started new jobs, and left jobs, and went on vacations, and started art projects, and baked delicious foods, and baked not delicious foods too. We watched sunsets in all kinds of places. We watched the seasons change- from rain to sun to wind to snow and back again. We watched the stars. We watched plants, and pets, and relatives grow. We may have had loved ones leave us. We’ve all been marked in some way, shape or form. To help make sense of it all, my favorite way of marking the passage of time this year (at least since moving to Milwaukee) has been the squirrels. My desk in my room looks right out onto some large trees and power wires which make the sickest jungle gym/parkour location for the neighborhood squirrels. In summer, lil baby guys would hang out in the shade in the heat of day. During autumn, they were absolutely wilding out- chasing each other and gorging on nuts. As winter’s cold blanket descended, the squirrels were still out but not nearly as frequently. When they did brave the elements, they’d oftentimes be hunkered down against the cold like adorable, tiny babushkas in the Siberian tundra. I found myself relating to these lil critters so much this year. To the squirrels out there reading this blog- I dedicate this post to you (I know there are dozens of you!)
Most of all- I’m thankful. Thankful for this blog giving me necessary space to process my feelings, share my photography and voice my intrusive thoughts. I’m thankful for this world we live in- through all of the pain and suffering we as humans create for ourselves, this planet continues to shine with the bounty of its unpredictable beauty. And I’m eternally grateful for it all. Finally, I’m thankful for, well, YOU! My friends, family, and MORTAL BLOOD ENEMIES. You’ve kept me both grounded (in sanity) and afloat (in motivation). You’ve been there with me as I opened a more genuine window into the inner workings of how my two rabid brain cells work (and not had me committed?) We got through this fucking crazy year together, and for that I am more grateful than you’ll ever know. Unless you read this far into the blog, then you’ll have a pretty good idea 😎. To wrap up this post (and this year) I want to share some of my favorite photos of Milwaukee cloaked in early winter snow. For all of the hate that winter gets (not totally unwarranted? I mean come on who really likes subzero temperatures for weeks on end) she is so beautiful. Milwaukee is a great canvas to showcase winter’s beauty and I’m grateful to be witness to it. Anyways- before I keep babbling- plz enjoy these photos, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Milwaukee- End of Year 2025
La Vida Veeta 