La Vida Veeta

Ok so when I say that “Huế called me ugly, punched me in the face, spit on me and stole my credit card. It was the best experience of my life” you know that I mean it metaphorically, right? Like, it didn’t actually call me ugly, punch me in the face, spit on me or steal my credit card. But metaphorically? Sis, I will NEVER RECOVER. And I mean that in the best way. Because *sharp inhale* Huế really changed me. Sure, I was only there for a few days. And sure, I may have a biiiit of a thrill for the dramatic (crazy to confess that right??) But it is truly such a wonderful city: steeped in centuries of Vietnamese lore, surrounded by verdant landscapes and chock full of some of the best food I have ever experienced in my LOIFE. And of course- a wedddinnnggggg. Some context: my good Judy Lily from Seattle got married in August and I was balls deep in a U-Haul on my way to Milwaukee when it happened. But guess what: A) Lily is a bad bitch, B) She was also having a family wedding in Vietnam, and C) she invited me! ME! Little ol’ me!! And let me just tell you when I say: Vietnam does NOT fuck around with their weddings. When I say this was a spectacle, I mean it was a SPECTACLE. Like, as in all capital letters. Like it’s being yelled. Because it was really giving Las Vegas meets Dubai in a K-hole. Let me list out a few things that were present at this ceremony:

• 600 attendees
• a big-ass multi-tiered champagne tower
• pyrotechnics, including massive sparklers
• bubbles streaming from the ceiling
• a fog machine
• dancers dressed as angels
• an amazing live band
• the most giant, over-the-top, Cinderella-esque gown I have ever seen
• Lily’s talented singing mom who, while wearing a sparkling sequined ao dai, belted out a song to kick off the reception

Don’t believe me? Clock the videos.

Like y’all next time when I tell you something’s extra AF just believe me! But! Let’s make a hard left turn. I want to talk about the magnificence that is Huế. It’s not reaaaaally known when Huế was officially founded, however there’s evidence that folks have lived there for thousands of years. Throughout its millennia of existence, Huế has acted as a capital for multiple royal dynasties. The city itself is packed with ornate imperial monuments, with the centerpiece being the absolutely magnificent Imperial and Forbidden City (Hoàng Thành Huế): a massive walled complex within the center of Huế that contains several gates, palaces, courtyards, places of worship, a theater and gardens. The complex acts as a massive citadel, being walled with thick, sturdy ramparts (which now host a massive Vietnamese flag). Outside of these walls are moats, featuring gorgeous lily pads and which are bridged only at specific, heavily secured crossings. Each building within the complex is an architectural masterpiece. There’s the Meridian Gate (Ngọ Môn) which acts as a primary entry to the complex. What’s interesting about the architecture of this gate is the difference in roof tile colors: the side wings have green tiles, while the central structure has bright gold tiles. The color of tile dictates who was allowed to pass through that gate (gold tiles meaning only the imperial family could enter, green meaning the mandarin (or the advisors and political inner circle) could enter. As a bitch who loves to color code everything in my life (best believe I am wearing a set of multicolored highlighters OUT in school right now) I can’t tell you how much this appeals to me. After entering the gate, one sees the Thái Hòa Palace (Điện Thái Hòa) which was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS on the inside but where folks were banned from taking photos. Trust me when I say that the amount of intricate gold leaf work on the interior was breathtaking- it was painted on columns, layered on every cornice and piece of trim, and absolutely drenched on a lil’ throne in the middle of the room. So extra, so beautiful (seems to be the theme of Vietnam in general, which I am very here for). The center of the complex contains multiple small temples, the Kiến Trung Palace (Điện Kiến Trung) which is a phenomenally ornate example of fused French-Vietnamese architecture, the Duyet Thi Duong Royal Theater (Nhà hát Duyệt Thị đường) which housed several unique Vietnamese instruments and performance costumes, and my favorite: The Northeastern Gate (Cửa Hiển Nhơn). When I tell you that I could have sat my happy ass down in the grass and stared at this gate for hours, I am not exaggerating. The amount of intricate carving, tile work, vibrant and graphic painting, metalwork and more is mind blowing. As with everything else here, I wish I had more time to truly admire her.

Beyond the Imperial/Forbidden City, Huế is densely packed with other historic sites. There’s Thiên Mụ Pagoda (Chùa Thiên Mụ): a pagoda built in 1601 and its adjoining Buddhist temple complex including a plaza filled with micro-scale water gardens planted in these gorgeous blue and white ceramic planters. If you’re having a hard time visualizing what a micro water garden is, let me explain: imagine a large rectangular basin filled with water, with a rock placed in the middle with a small amount of soil along the base of the rock. On top of the rock is a small evergreen tree (visually similar to bonsai, but not trained or trimmed to form specific shapes). In the water are lilies, grasses, and other aquatic plants. Along the edge of the rock in the soil are small flowers, grasses, bamboo and figurines. In some of these basins small fish swim about. Lizards cling to the rock, while birds eye the fish hungrily. The elaborate ecosystems created in such confined spaces were really fascinating and a joy to sit and watch. Again, I could have spent hours just sitting there. In the temples themselves, curls of incense smoke hung in the air, fragrant and calming. Deep-toned bells were struck rhythmically. Folks bowed and prayed to a large golden Buddha statue in the center of the room, surrounded by flowers. Annoying ass tourists got in the middle of the calm to snap selfies (like literally right in front of people praying, for fuck’s sake). All the selfies turned out terribly because they are indeed trash humans and GOD DON’T LIKE UGLY (trademarked by Velicity Dior Black). Outside of the temple, bright red paper Lunar New Year decorations fluttered lazily in the wind, hung from flowering trees. The entire scene was chaotic and densely packed with people, yet also deeply calming: a testament to the talented architects, gardeners, groundskeepers, artists, and monks who have curated such a magical space. Around the corner is Mandarin Coffee and Restaurant- a small, peaceful collection of ornate wooden structures with tiled roofs surrounding a gorgeous central courtyard with vibrant, fragrant flowering plants, ponds, fountains, and patios. One building was constructed around a massive tree- the tree literally is built into the wall. Again- although the space was packed full of people, it was so peaceful. It’s really incredible how the overstimulation of a busy world can be stripped away with some well placed water features. I see your game, Vietnam.

Perhaps even more outstanding than Huế city itself are its surroundings: to the east, the flatlands of the Perfume River give way to beaches as the river meets the South China Sea. But to the west, the plains give way to steep, rolling hills and deeply carved river valleys. Dotted throughout these hills are countless graveyards, tombs and mausoleums- both grand and small. Family grave plots line the roads out of town with small, beautifully designed raised tombs. Grander are the magnificent burial complexes of Vietnam’s emperors from the Nguyễn dynasty- Vietnam’s last imperial family ruling from 1802 until 1945* (asterisk because the French colonized Vietnam starting in the late 1800’s so the emperors of the latter years really had limited power and many times were figureheads. Stupid fucking French amirite?). During this reign, the 13 emperors moved the seat of Vietnam’s power back to Huế (it had previously been moved to Hanoi) during which many of the city’s incredible monuments were constructed. Because the city sits at a low elevation along a major river (the Perfume River- like can we talk about how cunty that name is???) it is extremely prone to flooding, and so Huế’s citizens (royal and common) built their family’s tombs in the protected hills to the west of town. Because of the city’s long history, concentration of burial complexes and spiritual significance, folks say it has a powerful energy: bordering on spooky and magical (according to the aforementioned bad bitch Lily). She compared it to how the U.S. views New Orleans- a nexus of the weird, spooky, spiritual, haunting, healing, culturally significant and undoubtedly unique. Walking through the elaborate compounds, it’s impossible not to feel the weight of centuries of history bearing down on you (and there’s the 1000349359% humidity in the air too, there’s also that. Humidity and spirits make for a potent combo lemme tell ya). A couple of the highlights from this fascinating region:

• The Mausoleum of Emperor Gia Long (Lăng Hoàng đế Gia Long): a multiacre site situated in the rolling, verdant hills south of the village of Định Môn. The collection of stunning buildings is built around a central pond, covered with water lilies and a bunch of lil’ fishes. The tomb of his empress Thuận Thiên is in the same complex (although in a much less elaborate building….fucking sexism amirite?) Oh!! And there were the cutest lil water buffalo here! I wanted to ride one so bad but then I realized I would literally get gored in two seconds and didn’t want to spend my whole trip with oozing chest wounds so decided against it. But fuck they were so adorable. And they were making puppy eyes at us the whole time 🥲one day you will be my BEST friend, little water buffalo
• The Mausoleum of Emperor Minh Mang (Lăng mộ Hoàng đế Minh Mạng): a tomb complex constructed in a single straight line with several sets of stairs up and down the main buildings. Being surrounded by bodies of water on both sides, the sight lines on this bad boy are immaculate. Like, you can be standing in the middle of this gorgeously designed shrine and, looking out both sides, have clear view straight down the walkway to other similarly gorgeously designed shrines. And like bitch I know this is just me repeating myself for the 10,000th time but the LEVEL OF DETAIL IN THE WOODWORK of these buildings just took mah damn breath away. Fully. Completely. Call it asthma, call it whatever you like. But I was fully breathless.
• The Mausoleum of Emperor Khải Định (Lăng Hoàng đế Khải Định): Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch. Where do I even start with her? So ok, this site has got to be one of the most extravagant, opulent, marvelous, excessive, grandiose, mind-blowingly intricately handcrafted things I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean first of all the setting- built into a steep hillside and consisting of three terraced pavilions, the mausoleum complex is sculpted primarily out of a striking dark stone. Contrasted against this are neon red and yellow flowers, which already creates such an animated visual contrast. But the real treat is inside. Stepping into the main mausoleum structure is like stepping into a house-sized jewelry box while tripping on acid. Tiles of all shapes, sizes, and colors glitter on the walls. And I mean- the ENTIRE wall. ALL of them. The inside of this building is intricate, floor to ceiling, three-dimensional mosaic work depicting things like trees, birds, dragons, flowers, buildings, and everything in between. And beyond that, the mothaeffin’ ceiling is painted!! In some really cool psychadelic swirls and geometric patterns. Like c’mon nowwww- you know a bitch loves her psychadelic swirls and geometric patterns. Look……you know I like to say I’d want to sit somewhere and stare at something for hours, right? But bitch…..when I tell you that I REALLY wanted to sit there and stare at the walls for literal days….I’m only somewhat joking (cause like…food??) But my lord, the astonishing craftsmanship that went into detailing every square millimeter of this structure is so beyond words. And when I learned that the emperor buried here was allegedly guh-guh-guh-gay? Well a) I already knew cause hello, the taste level is immaculate, and b) QUEEEEEEN. Apparently Emperor Khải Định never wanted a wife, only had one son (who ended up being the last of the 13 emperors in the Nguyễn dynasty), was rumored to have hooked up with multiple male advisors and noblemen, and painted his nails?? ONE. OF. US. Also- shoutout to his beard (I mean the lavender marriage beard, not the facial hair variety). Like, shoutout to ALL the beards out there. Lemme just take a moment to express my undying love and appreciation for anyone who has ever been someone’s beard. I hope you know how loved you are, how valued you are for not only saving so many people from ridicule and societal exile, but you legitimately have saved so many queer lives. I feel like beards never get the love and appreciation they are owed but seriously, for any beard out there: thank you for your service 🫡 On another note, real-talk: Khải Định was actually really fucked up. Like he allied with the French in the oppression of his own people to maintain his own status and life of luxury and prioritized the construction of his mausoleum over making meaningful improvements to like, prevent mass starvation. So, while we love the gayness, we hate the fact that he’s a massive piece of shit. Anyways, people are multi-faceted, nothing in this world is black and white, and I’m just grateful for the fact that this exquisite piece of architecture has been retained as a testament to all of the talent and labor of the craftspeople who worked on it. Khải Định: you and your painted nails can fuck right off.

I just want to stress again how meaningful this trip was for me. Being able to experience such a magnificent corner of the world that has such reverence for their past and has zero qualms with being extra as fuck was so soothing for my soul. I can’t tell you how fantastic Lily and her entire family are (and how terrible and cringey my attempts at speaking Vietnamese with them were) and what a fucking D.I.V.A. (aka the female version of hustla) Lily is. Like, find me another person who is glamorous enough to be standing in a massive, custom tailored Cinderella princess gown in front of 600 people while also being relatable enough to make eye contact with us during said glamourous moment and mouth “I don’t know what to do!”? Please, I challenge you to find them. I’ll wait. I’m also just so grateful to be alive, and to be able to explore a new corner of this infinitely intriguing, surprising, thought-provoking, and beautiful planet we share. Especially one with such bomb. ass FOOOOOOOOD. OHMYGUR the fresh rolls??? The banh mis??? The prawns the size of your fist??? Oh also I ate MEAT intentionally for the first time in like, 18 years. Because why the hell not? When you’re in Vietnam, you gotta try new things. And I don’t regret it for a goddamn second.

P.S. I said I ate meat intentionally for the first time in 18 years because this one time in 2019 when I was blackout drunk I accidentally ate an entire to go container of my friend’s nachos (shoutout Livbird I love youuuuuu) which had meat thinking they were my sweet potato and black bean nachos, which were right next to it in the fridge. My other roommate (shoutout Callen heyyyyy) tried to tell me multiple times that they were not, in fact, my nachos and that I was about to ingest meat. But blackout Matt was having NONE OF IT. So yeah…..besides that one time, Vietnam was the first time!

P.S.S: Life has been a lot lately. I won’t get into it here and now but….just know that 2026 has been a fucking asshole who I don’t want to take on a second date or event text back. But I have to say: writing this has been cathartic for me. And I’m just so grateful to be able to document and share such incredible beauty with you all. Thanks for sticking around, and I pinky pwomise I’ll get the rest of my Vietnam adventures uploaded soon. That’s legally binding y’know! In the meantime, please enjoy all of the beauty of Huế.

Huế, Việt Nam- February 2026