Κέρκυρα, Ελλάδα (Kerkyra, Greece)- The “Big Honkers” of the Ionian Sea

Ok so the title is a complete lie- Kerkyra has never, and will never, be referred to as the big honkers of the Ionian Sea- I just wanted to snatch y’alls attention. And let’s be real: who doesn’t love big honkers? Sex sells people!! (Please don’t sue me for slander Greek government ILY 👉👈🥺)

Anyways *clears throat* hi everybody, Matt/Vel here, your friendly neighborhood gay. Kerkyra is one of those places that, for some inexplicable reason, gave me the strongest déjà vu. By the way- did you know that déjà vu means “crazy inexplainable shit” in French? True story. But I digress: Kerkyra made me feel things. Like this deep feeling of comfort, and of returning somewhere familiar. I really can’t put my finger on it. The island itself is an intriguing mixture of things: think Greek, Venetian, Roman, Orthodox, tropical, seaside, lush, mountainous, sunny, humid, and warm all mixed in a blender on liquefy, then served on ice with ouzo. It’s like if Athens was founded on Maui, but with Lindsay Lohan’s Mykonos beach club (by the way did you ever watch that show? It’s fucking crazy. The scene where she is shooting her employees with a rose gold AK-47 that shoots champagne and then she says “I feel like Putin” is absolutely insane television. Also did you ever see that video from like 10 years ago where Lindsay Lohan is on Instagram live in Greece and gets punched in the face because she tries to abduct a Syrian refugee child from their parents. On camera??? It is fucking crazy. What a story arc that woman has had. Now she’s in Hallmark Christmas movies?? What a life…..).

*Focus Matt, focus. We’re talking about Kerkyra*.

Kerkyra (also referred to as Corfu, but that’s more often used for its capital city) is an island in the Ionian Island group off the western coast of Greece; part of the island extends into Albanian waters as well. It essentially marks the beginning of the Adriatic Sea, which stretches northward all the way to Venice, bordered on one side by Italy and on the other by Dalmatia (modern day coastal Croatia). Because of it’s incredibly advantageous position, Kerkyra has been part of numerous empires and nations, stretching allllllll the way back. I mean, pre-classical Greece. Mentioned in Homer’s Odyssey, Kerkyra was an important Greek city throughout many centuries, and played a key role in the Peloponnesian War. Following this, Kerkyra was a major economic hub in the Roman and Byzantine Empires. In quick succession, it then fell into the hands of Genoa, then Venice, then Epirus, then Sicily, then Albania, then back to Venice. I’m sure she was EXHAUSTED I know I would be. Like damn bitch just let me relax! Luckily, Kerkyra remained part of the Venetian Republic for several hundred years. She really flourished in this period, and much of old town Corfu was constructed during this time. This is reflected in Corfu’s notably different architecture from other Greek towns, with tall, narrow buildings on narrow streets- much more characteristic of Venice and other cities along the Adriatic. Due to Venice’s investment in Corfu (and construction of a shit ton of heavily fortified castles) it never fell to the Ottomans, despite constant intense raids and bombardments. STRONG INDEPENDENT BITCH. Buuuut then France took over, then Britain (vom), then Italy and Germany in World War II, then finally part of independent Greece. Fuck Lindsay Lohan’s character arc, THIS is a character arc. Take notes LiLo.

Kerkyra also has a pretty unique and spectacular geography. Known as the sickle island (it forms that shape from space), it is mountainous, especially in the north, with rocky cliff lined coasts. The western side is especially dramatic with sheer cliff faces diving straight into the deep blue waters of the Ionian Sea. The northeastern coast is especially picturesque with steep hillsides and valleys fanning out from Pantokratoras mountain (the island’s highest point) crossed by winding, hairpin lanes and small coastal resort towns tucked into protected coves. It is beeeeeyuuutiful. *deepens voice like Anna Faris’ demonic voice in The House Bunny* ‘BEAUTIFUL’.

The northwestern coast features a much more pockmarked coastline (is that the right word? IDK, adjectives are hard) with shallow bays flanked by steep mountains. It includes the Monastery of Paleokastritsa (an Orthodox monastery perched atop a steep coastal promontory with almost 360 degree views of the ocean), the hillside village of Lakones (which features incredibly steep lanes carved through rugged oceanside ravines and ridges) and several beachside resorts and clubs. The entire island is draped in lush vegetation- it’s known as the Garden Island because of its ample rainfall, temperate climate and wonderful soils. The humidity, floral diversity and warm winters make Kerkyra more closely resemble tropical islands (think Kauai or Bermuda) rather than the arid islands of the Aegean (think Santorini). It’s such a unique combination that makes Kerkyra a true gem: I really wish I had more time to explore her secrets (who wants to visit with me???)

In summary: Kerkyra is great (and tired), déjà vu means ‘high on gas leak fumes’ in French, and Lindsay Lohan is a menace to society. Oh and also Anna Faris is amazing. Oh and also Chris Pratt fucking SUCKS like ew what an absolute toad. How could he do that to Anna Faris? I’m still not over it. Also isn’t he kind of just a piece of shit in general? I mean that metaphorically- please don’t sue me Chris. Or Greece. Or anyone, for that matter. If you win in court all you’ll get is some old wigs and Charming Charlie bracelets with stones missing. Is anyone still reading this post?

XOXO,
Vel/Matt