Dubrovnik, Croatia- Ragusan riches and salty bitches

Imagine you’re a warrior princess (not hard for some of us hehehehe sorryboutit). But like, in olden times. I mean like, old old times. Like before dial-up internet. You’ve been travelling along the ocean coast with your trusty steed for days, sun blazing overhead. You are still at least 1-2 days travel away from your magnificently appointed manor which you rent out to AirBNB on the weekends. Your water is running low; you and your horse are both exhausted and severely dehydrated. You come to a sheltered cove. The water is crystal clear, lapping up on shore. It taunts you with its quenching secrets. You decide hey, fuck it, let’s go for it. What’s the worst that could happen? (insert ‘Honey, you’ve got a big storm comin‘ video clip.) You lead your horse to drink first. The horse, being significantly smarter than you, doesn’t drink. You, maybe delirious from days of travel in the sun, maybe just idiotic from a public school health curriculum (we watched Osmosis Jones- multiple times- in my high school health class. I wish I was joking) yell at the horse to drink. You say fuck it, I need the water, and thrust your head in to gulp deeply. It’s then that the light bulb goes off: salt water isn’t a pleasant thing to chug. Resurfacing, you scream SLANO! SLANO! (Croatian for salty) at the top of your lungs. Ladies and gentlemen: this is the origin story for the town of Slano along Croatia’s southern coast. I wanted to tell this story because A: I wish we named towns in the US after fun adjectives (imagine a town here called Salty??) and B: I find it absolutely hilarious. I can just imagine pissing off a Slavic grandma and she points at you and yells SLANO. It just feels ✨correct✨ You know what I mean girliepops?

The coast around Dubrovnik in far southern Croatia is absolutely spectacular. Sheer cliffs peppered with olive and pine groves plunging into electric blue waters. Innumerable islands just offshore, partially hidden in the fog. Greek and Roman ruins clinging to every coast. Ancient city walls still bearing the scars of intense gunfire and bombing raids during the wars of the Yugoslavian breakup. It’s a fascinating corner of the globe.

Outside of Dubrovnik itself, the coastline is stUHuhUHuhUHuhNNnnNNnnIIng. The small towns tucked away back in sheltered coves (like miss Salty herself) are little time capsules, showing a vision of life before the recent tourism boom. The town of Trsteno is one of these. The main village square is dominated by an absolute TANK of a tree. Like, Ginorma Jean. They should name it that if they haven’t already- if someone has a direct line to the mayor of Trsteno plz email me with it. Or just a random phone number- I’d love to call someone and tell them this. Built around Ginorma is a small plaza with gorgeous views dropping down to the Adriatic. But the true gem of Trsteno is the arboretum and Gučetić-Gozze Mansion. Built on several acres on a hill sweeping down to a coastal cliff, this estate contains wandering paths through native (and exotic) vegetation, including huge Aleppo Pines, locust trees (unfortunately not flowering), and a variety of others. The centerpiece is a fabulous villa overlooking the sea. This is where some important scene in Game of Thrones was filmed that I honestly don’t give a truck about but I can confirm it was really beautiful!! The extent of my GOT knowledge is that there’s a lot of incest (I think I’m good missing that) and that the final season was awful and included a scene where someone forgot to remove their Starbucks cup. And to be honest, I’m not even mad at the laziness? I’m moreso mad that it’s Starbucks??? Like come on now. You have HOLLYWOOD money. At least go to a fucking Dunkin’. In addition, there is a vineyard, fountain featuring large statues, koi fish and a TURTLE (honestly the entire peak of my day, my year, my existence. I lose my shit with turtles. Some people grow up to be cat ladies, I’ll be a turtle daddy. Just imagine having like, 10 turtles hanging out with you all the time?? Ugh my heart just ruptures with joy at the thought). There’s also an aqueduct?? Like pretty crazy that they built an entire aqueduct to supply this one house with water, but I guess that’s what money will get ya. But honestly? 10/10 would recommend stopping by here if you find yourself bopping around Ragusa. Even if just for the turtle.

Now onto the grand bitch herself: Dubrovnik. Recently she has been a bit of an it-girl, being featured in GOT (of course) and several other shows. But she has also kind of always been an it-girl? She managed to remain independent for long periods of time as her own city state (in those times she went by Ragusa, though. But haven’t we all wanted a name change once or twice? Mine would be SLANO). This put the Dubrovnik area in an extremely important position geopolitically and economically. As such she had many friends, many frenemies, and even a few MORTAL ENEMIES. More on that later. My experience of Dubrovnik centered around a store called TOMMY (in all caps. I also wanna know who the eff Tommy is??? Because I want to thank him). I needed to buy toothpaste, so of course I ended up getting the most obscure, Albanian brand that features 6 herbs (including salvia- allegedly. At least I think that’s what it said in Albanian. I’m not sure, I’m not an Albanian scholar. But I can confirm I’ve only had slight psychoactive and hallucinogenic experiences while brushing with it). We (being me, my brother and his girlfriend) also got to experience a water polo themed coffee bar, complete with swimsuit bottoms and goggles adorning the ceiling. It’s kinda weird sipping an espresso looking up and seeing a G string dangling from the ceiling and you’re not at the Wild Orchid (for those who don’t know- that’s a strip club in Reno, NV that we all know and love and hold near and dear to our hearts). I loved it though. Never change, Croatia.

Hands down my favorite thing about this slice of blessed coastline is the absolute botanical wonderland that it is. Little gardens bursting with kumquat trees, succulents plump and blooming in the warm ocean breeze, vibrant lavender wildflowers awakening from their long slumber. There was wisteria, and lady banks rose, and iris, and coreopsis, kniphofia, and almond trees, and so many others. It really felt like little secret, sheltered gardens nestled in a string of beaches draped along a rocky, heavily indented coastline. Ugh. SLAYYYYYYYYYYYY.

So on that note, I wanted to wrap up by saying: don’t you love how I never addressed the ‘MORTAL ENEMIES’ comment? I never intended on it. And I don’t intend to now. And don’t come for me, because if you do I’ll point at you and yell SLANO.

PS: If you wanted to yell other Croatian adjectives at your friends for fun, here are some options:
– Gorak– Bitter
– Kiselo- Sour
– Hrskavi- Crunchy
–Ubojica djece- Child killer