Kotor, Montenegro- The Girl We All Wish We Could Be

Kotor, Montenegro is a middle sibling who went to therapy, had the hard conversations, got on Prozac and figured their shit out.

They could’ve been the flashy teenager who peaked in high school and is now a depressed 45 year old with 6 kids, a crippling gambling addiction and terrible credit (cough cough- BELGRADE (Serbia)). They could’ve been that guy who denied who they really are and spent 30 years living a lie as a straight laced accountant instead of being the alligator farming, Civil War reenacting theater nerd they always wanted to be (I’m looking at you SKOPJE (Macedonia)). They could have even been that guy who calls himself a “nice guy” on Tinder but we all know really has at least 5 bodies in their basement and still listens to Maroon 5 (SARAJEVO 👀 (Bosnia & Herzegovina)). But no- they did the work and made sure their insane family dynamics didn’t drag them down. Thank you for rising above and being the best you you can be, Kotor. We see you sis.

Besides coming from the 2nd most dysfunctional family of all time (the 1st being Britney Spears bc I mean come on) Montenegro is a “newcomer” to the geopolitical world stage. Declaring independence from Serbia in 2006, Montenegro has been able to remain relatively peaceful and under-the-radar despite being surrounded by an extremely volatile geographic area. Can we be honest for a sec tho- we all agree that the Balkans, as a region, are METAL AS FUCK RIGHT🤘? As a tiny, isolated(ish), mountainous, sparsely populated nation- Montenegro has many roadblocks ahead of it. However with the possibility of future EU membership (it is currently a candidate nation) and recent huge growth in tourism, Montenegro has the potential to really blossom into a whole new bitch. The question though: does Montenegro want to be a new bitch? Or does she want to stay the same bitch that she is? Has anyone asked what Montenegro really wants? I guess it’s the identity crisis that so many places face with the potential of “development” and “progress”. It’s an extremely tricky balancing act that I feel, unfortunately, only favors the wealthy at the expense of locals and everyone else. Time will tell, I suppose.

To be honest- the Kotor region might be the most beautiful area I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. That’s a strong statement (and maybe a hot take but come fight me if you disagree) but I have to say it inspired me so strongly with it’s dramatic mountain ranges, prismatic blue waters and fascinating mixture of cultures. The city of Kotor lies at the head of a very complex, incredibly scenic ria, or basically a fjord. It’s actually considered to be the southernmost fjord in Europe. To get to the inner bay (where Kotor and other towns lie) you first enter a narrow channel from the Adriatic on which one side lies Croatia and the other lies Montenegro’s Adriatic coast. Once past the initial bottleneck, there is a first inner bay, along which lie several towns. Then, you pass through a second, even narrower channel between sheer cliffs, before entering the inner inner bay. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen. The inner-inner bay is narrow and flanked on every side by extremely tall, snowcapped mountains. It’s honestly so beautiful that it made something snap in my brain. Like you know when you see a really cute dog and something in your lizard brain activates and you want to drop what you’re doing and pinch it’s cheeks and roll around on the floor? Well, it was kinda like that, but like, in a nature way. Idk, maybe I’m just mentally ill 🤷

The town of Kotor itself has been a thing for like, almost 2000 years (pretty par for the course for this corner of the globe). It has been part of Venice, Serbia, Bulgaria, the Ottoman Empire, Ragusa, Yugoslavia, and several other interim powers. Each of these has left it’s mark on the area- whether through its architecture, language, food, or lack of fucks to give. The old town is a tangled web of narrow streets, small plazas, cathedrals, bazaars, archways, and CATS. SO MANY CATS. They even have a museum dedicated to cats- called the Kotor Cats Museum. Fun fact: Kotor used to be known as Cattaro (when Italian was the dominant language) so it’s really a huge missed opportunity to not call it the CATtaro Museum. Like come on that is such a low-hanging-fruit-lazy-ass-pun you just KNOW British tourists on holiday would cackle loudly while smoking their fags (it means a CIGARETTE in British slang god you should know I don’t just sling out slurs. And for the record, I am a fag (derogatory) so let me reclaim that word if I want to. Shit. And also for the record according to dictionary.com it also means “a rough or defective spot in a woven fabric- a blemish or flaw” so if I wanted to use that term to describe that I WILL. Fight me. Although that would be homophobic to fight me over reclaiming a gay slur, and you don’t want to be that right?)

Aaaanyways (glances disapprovingly to the homophobes) Kotor is also distinctive for it’s super thicc city walls, which extend up an insanely steep cliffside to include a small hillside church (The Church of Our Lady of Remedies) and a Venetian castle and fortress overlooking the city (called San Giovanni). There is a very steep set of stairways that lead from the town to San Giovanni known as the Ladder of Kotor and let me tell you, she is STEEP. I wouldn’t say the hike up was as difficult as Palamidi in Nafplio (link to a description of my suffering in that blog post here) but it was definitely a schlep (side note- is that how that’s spelled? Correct me if I’m wrong). I have to say though- that hike up was genuinely moving. In an emotional way. Seeing the bay stretch out under you in the late afternoon sun as the mountains’ shadows spread out over the water and coastal towns was absolutely splendid. Maybe it was the extreme dehydration or my hormones or something but I legitimately had an emotional moment seeing such a beautiful sight. I felt so inspired by the geometry, the scale, and the contrast of the lights and shadows on the landscape that I could have spent literally all evening there. But alas- as the clock struck 6, much like a plebian Cinderella, I had to leave and return home. I didn’t want to tumble and break my uvula in half on the steep rocky stairs back in the dark- which I undoubtedly would have- if I didn’t leave in time. So gazing out one last time over the windswept cliffs to the picturesque fjord below, I said ciao to Montenegro.

As I wrap up this post, I just want to address this next part directly to Montenegro itself:

YOU ARE PERFECT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE A SLAVIC BADDIE. DON’T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO CHANGE FOR ANYONE.

I felt so inspired and moved here in a way that I can’t really say I’ve felt anywhere else before. So thank you, Montenegro, for giving me that special gift. Especially in the world we all live in right now. You are definitely NOT a fag (non-derogatory: I’m using this in the blemish or flaw definition. Calm the fuck down).