Reno, Nevada is a washed up, Busted, nasty bitch with a thirst for blood- just like Katy Perry

Picture this: you’re back in high school. They’re serving lukewarm pizza out of rounded, coated cardboard trays in the lunchroom. Some loser with knockoff Pete Wentz bangs is strumming Wonderwall on his guitar on the school’s front steps. A gaggle of geeks play Dungeons and Dragons in the school library, while a syndicate of skaters kick around a hackisack wearing matching beanies, tight black jeans, studded belts from Hot Topic and DC (the shoe company, not the District of Columbia) shirts. The *CoOl* girls walk by listening to Katy Perry’s only hit on their iPod Nanos (yes that is a diss to you KATY PERRY what are you gonna do about it?) Now, how did you feel at that time in your life? Awkward? Uncomfortable? Surrounded by people that (in your twisted, insecure mind) you think are prettier and cooler than you? That’s Reno.

Reno is less an actual place, and more a state of mind, a spiritual state of being. Reno is chugging 4 Lokos on the stoop outside of a bodega next to a Catholic Church at 11 AM on a Sunday morning. Reno is meeting up with a guy from Grindr only to realize that he’s a substitute drama teacher at your high school you just graduated from. Reno is drunkenly dancing on top of someone’s car in a gay club parking lot in a dingy (like Katy Perry) strip mall next to an aquarium supplies store off of a street lovingly named ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre Alley’ and then getting yelled at by the owner of said club and then you realize it’s his car. Then you get his phone number because you’re wasted and he’s a weirdo (and also has knockoff Pete Wentz bangs!) This is Reno. My Tinder bio proudly states: “I’m from Reno Nevada and still have all my teeth- that’s gotta count for something, right?” Fun note- these are all also true stories from a little gay boy growing up in Reno- teehee!

Why, you may ask, would anyone choose to live in such a godforsaken place? First off, what a RHONDA thing to say (in case you’re wondering wtf that means, Rhonda is a newer, fresher, equally problematic identical twin to Karen but I think we can all agree Karen is overplayed, overdone, and WASHED UP- like Katy Perry). Secondly, to know Reno is to love Reno. What you don’t see is the astonishing beauty of the high desert and Sierra Nevada. The wind rushing over ridgetops and coursing through sagebrush in a cold January sunset. The smell of spontaneous afternoon summer thunderstorms, drenching thirsty earth with refreshing rain. The way that the aspen trees talk when a breeze moves their leaves. The arid hills blushing with color in springtime: the pinks of desert peach, the yellows of balsamroot, the striking scarlet of Indian Paintbrush. The unbelievable magic of Lake Tahoe, whose waters change hues depending on the weather (from a vibrant sublime turquoise in the sun to a deep steely blue in the snow). The vast open skies, making you feel both completely insignificant and connected to the landscape in a way I can’t explain. The remote valleys in the middle of Nevada- places so quiet that the sound of your own pulse drowns out anything around you. The silence rings. I can’t lie- I miss the hell out of it. Many people consider the Great Basin desert to be a painfully long car ride from California to the rest of the country. The older I get, the more I consider it to be the destination itself.

Now that I’ve gotten the heartfelt part out of the way, I have a really serious question for you all. Do you remember Clippy, the sentient paper clip from Microsoft Word back in the day? Well, today I learned that there is an erotic short story written about him called ‘Conquered by Clippy’. Which is pretty amazing, right? But even BETTER are the erotic stories written by, perhaps, my favorite author of all time: Chuck Tingle. I will end this post with a listing of my favorite book titles written by Mr. Tingle (with links to each title for more detail):

P.S- you might be wondering why Katy Perry has been catching strays this entire post. It’s because a) it brings me great joy because I find her insufferable, and b) it’s the curse of the nun she killed. Here’s a link for more information on her insatiable thirst for nun blood.

P.S.S- Enjoy these photos from my last visit to Reno in December!!!!!