Ciudad de México- Where nipples get tweaked (in the name of cancer fundraising)

You’re probably extremely confused by the title of this post. Don’t worry ~*~all will be revealed~*~ So get comfy, pour yourself a drink, hit that ketamine, and let mama Vel tell you a story.

When you hear Mexico City, what do you think of. History? Food? Architecture? Art? Well DING DING DING you are 4/4 my friend. This place is truly bananas. Not only is the city itself massive on a scale that’s hard to comprehend, but it is so dense with history and beauty that every block could have a blog post dedicated to it. Whether it’s the serene beauty of public plazas like Plaza Rio de Janeiro (complete with a replica of David with a fountain bidet), the party vibes on the boats in the canals of Xochimilco, or the fact that there is literally amazing food on every single mothereffin’ street corner in the whole city, CDMX truly has something for everyone (unless you’re one of the smooth brainers who thinks Mexico is only a war-torn hellhole or only want to visit the most vanilla of all inclusive resorts with names like Grand Oasis, Royal Fiesta, or Gonorrhea, then it’s probably not for you but I would venture out onto a limb and say that most things probably aren’t for you. That is unless it includes Andrew Tate, which, might I say, is quite possibly the fruitiest of fags I’ve ever seen. I mean how many shirtless, oiled up muscle photos loudly proclaiming how much you love men must one person post? But no homo, right? Anyways…)

Back in October I came here with some of my best girly friends to explore the city, see some incredible history and get the fuck out of the Vitamin-D vacuum that is Seattle between October and May. The trip started off on a high note with a cab driver who liiiiterally almost mowed down 4 pedestrians. I mean like, it was inches away. One of them even slammed his fist on the car and yelled at us. Our driver yelled back bc like bitch, only I can yell at me. Honestly, I was aroused. I got his number. We’re getting married, btw. Invite’s in the mail.

After exploring the neighborhood (including getting the best fresh juice at a number of sidewalk stands, highly recommend) we started exploring other areas of the city and going to some events. One of the highlights was going to a lucha libre fight. Since it was around the time of Día de Muertos the entire match was underworld themed, with guys dressed as couriers from the spirit realm snatching up the losers of each match to take them to the great beyond. It was DRAMA. It was DRAG. I honestly could not stop screaming it was so good. I’m a bitch who loves theatrics and doing the most and it gave me everything I could have hoped for. And the outfits? So, so good.

Another highlight was the Museo Nacional de Antropología, containing huge amounts of archaeological finds from Mexico’s numerous indigenous cultures. It’s honestly hard to even describe how amazing this place is. For starters, it’s HUGE. It’s extremely affordable (a day ticket literally cost me $4.75). It’s beautifully maintained. And the amount of artifacts present is just mind boggling. I spent 4 hours there and feel like I barely scratched the service. If you ever visit, be sure to pop your strongest Adderall and be ready to dedicate an entire day.

There are so many other highlights to the city:

The ruins at Tlatelolco are a stark reminder of how much in this city was decimated by the Spanish in the 16th Century. And, perhaps more insidiously, how many of the buildings of Tenochtitlan were destroyed and then scavenged to build Spanish cathedrals and monuments.
The canals of Xochimilco are an interesting juxtaposition. You have the bright, vibrantly painted boats with a strong party vibe (our guide was a VIBE and definitely got us wastey). Contrasting this are the almost spooky canals themselves, with large trees overhanging the water and parts of dolls strung throughout the trees. As a bonus, we did not get into a screaming match with each other and lose our lip gloss (this is definitely a reference to season 6 of the Real Housewives of Miami and their ICONIC trip to Mexico City- fuck Lisa Hochstein).
Paseo de la Reforma is imposing, thrumming, and overstimulating. Being one of the main arteries of the city, there’s a concentration of incredible artwork (I highly recommend checking out the alebrijes along the stretch of Reforma from El Ángel de la Independencia to Estela de Luz), restaurants, street artists and vendors, and top notch people watching.
- While perusing the artwork, this is where the aforementioned nipple tweaking happened. Now, let me preface by saying that I like to think I’m confident with my Spanish. I can definitely hold conversations, and understood the majority of what people were saying to me. That being said, no one could prepare me for meeting Abraham. He approached me, asking if I’d like to donate money to a cancer research fundraiser. Somehow, the conversation took a sharp left turn, and next thing I know he’s asking if I have a novio, touching my nipz and telling me he wants to date. Now, fluent or not, I have no idea how cancer research goes to dick thirsting THAT FAST. It was really something to behold. Maybe it was just run of the mill sexual harassment? Who knows. Anyways, I gave Abraham a fake number after telling him I had to leave multiple times, and the rest is history. Dating in the gay scene in 2024 is really something else.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my synopsis of a city that is so layered and complex that it really is impossible to do a synopsis. So instead I’ll tell you a riddle (winner gets to tweak my nips, unless your name is Abraham):

‘I am a type of cheese, but I am made backwards. What cheese am I?’