Billings, Montana is a portal to the underworld (and other memories from a cross-country roadtrip)

When your friend moves, you help. Especially if they’re someone you love. And ESPECIALLY when they’re a badass drag performer and emcee. When my bestie was moving to Chicago at the beginning of 2024, it wasn’t even a question in my mind whether to join along on the ride. The deal was sweetened when another one of our friends, serendipitously, was moving things from Seattle to New York at the same time. Girls trip?? New York City?? Count me IN. Leaving under the cover of darkness, we embarked on a journey that would forever change our lives (and potentially require years of therapy to correct- more on that later).

I could spend this blog post talking about the ample beauty through flyover country (there is SO MUCH btw. Like calling it flyover country is honestly fucked up- Wyoming and Montana are stuntalina), but instead I will dedicate all of this time to talking about how fucking rancid and satanic Billings, Montana is.

From the moment we checked in at our hotel, vibes were OFF. Immediately we were told that there were no rooms (by a woman who didn’t even work at the front desk, had very late stage meth face, and who wasn’t looking at their availability software). It’s probably just a coincidence that it was a room for a very gay man and two black queer women, right? Anyways on the way to our room we met our guardian angel, Rhonda Honda. Rhonda is a member of the housekeeping staff at this hotel, who immediately talked our ear off about how shitty the front desk staff is and how much she hates them (girl, SAME). Finding a kindred spirit, we dropped off our bags, and went back out to the car to smoke a joint. This is where we officially entered the upside down.

Upon getting nice and stoned, our friend proceeded to step in the actual largest pile of dog shit I have ever seen, in her NEW SHOES. I’m talking like this looked like it came out of a Triceratops. DES-GO-STANG. Upset at this, we looked for any hoses or other outside running water sources to use to clean her shoes. I kid you not, every single spigot was dry. There was NO WATER WHATSOEVER. Already hesitant to interact with hotel staff, we asked if there was potentially a hose we could use to avoid tracking anything inside. After a solid 15 minutes of back and forth between staff members (seriously- there was no running water outside??) they offered to clean them themselves. Shoutout to the maintenance staff at Days Inn by Wyndham Billings- located at 843 Parkway Ln, Billings, MT 59101– they actually cleaned the shoes- even though we said it was not necessary for them to do it at all!

I digress- now that the shit shoes were no more, it was time for some food. Upon arriving in Billings, I had located a nearby restaurant called ‘Montana Bayou’. Curious what Montana-Cajun fusion would entail, we looked this place up. Google showed an establishment with very recent reviews of “gator bites” on the menu, as well as taxidermied dioramas of alligators attacking deer, geese in mid flight, etc. Basically- EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED IN LIFE. Filled with unbridled excitement, we practically skipped the several blocks to the restaurant. Upon entering, we were greeted with slot machines (Google and their website made no mention of a casino) and a tiny bar, with two surly bartenders who shot us the evil eye when we asked about where to eat. Turns out: there was no restaurant. It hadn’t existed for quite some time. GOOGLE LIED TO US. EVERYONE LIED TO US. REALITY AND THE UNIVERSE LIED TO US. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, perhaps the weed, or the fact that Billings is located in the hellmouth, but all of our brains collectively snapped trying to understand this glitch in the matrix.

Thoroughly hungry, tired, and questioning the fabric of space-time, we walked back to the hotel and promptly disassociated in the room for 4 hours before hitting the road again. Needless to say- Billings, Montana is a cursed, demonic, evil place full of broken promises and crushed dreams. But shoutout to Rhonda Honda- she’s a real one.

Anyways- enjoy some photos of New York City!!!!